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| sorry Coach, I'm an idiot sometimes - just realised what you meant! Going to retire to the lounge room now. Arms/shlders a bit achey today - old war injury! Better rest them for awhile. catchya later all. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| what's that Coach? one of mine?? Do tell and I'll explain | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| oh dear, I don't get it either perko LOL | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| LOL Perko! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ok, Jesus walked into a motel, walked up to reception and threw 4 large nails on the counter. He said "Can you put me up for the night?" sick sick sick. What's the useless bit of skin on the end of a p.e.n.i.s? answer: a man | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| HAHAHAHA I love the school teacher joke and the aliens/petrol pump one. That's hilarious! As you can see I'm only just catching up..... :) |
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| Here's a Dad & Dave joke: Dave & Mabel got married and on their wedding night Mabel went to the bathroom to slip into something "more comfortable". When she came out dressed in her new sexy nighty she found Dave still dressed in his good suit and asked him why he was still dressed. Dave replied "dad said I'd be going to town about now" Now I told my husband this on our honeymoon - and I had to explain it! |
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| LMAO perko - I just liked the "hilarious comedic snake" bit :) | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| noooo | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Have you heard about Jesus checking into a motel? think I may have already inflicted this on you... | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Well done Lisa! Here goes: they were both nervous on their first night together. He parked the car in Lovers Lane, put his arm around her and whispered in her ear "would you like to get in the back seat?". "No" she replied, "I'd rather stay her in the front with you". Loving other jokes! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ha Ha Perko Good one I love that!!! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| That's all for now Magic, I really must do some housework. I managed to find some of the recipes and have pasted them to the Recipe thread, I'm happy about that! Must go now, will check in later, Cheers!! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" What's the problem Eve? Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy. Why is that Eve? comes the reply from above. Lord, I'm lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples. Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you. What's a "man" Lord? This man will be a flawed creature, with aggresive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathise or listen to you properly. All in all he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack. Sounds great, says Eve, and an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord? Well, you can have him on one condition. What's that Lord? You'll have to let him believe that I made him first. |
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| Lisa, you must have a huge supply of jokes, just wait until all the others contribute, will be fun! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 20 kgs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the p r i c k s on the outside. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo? An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time.' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit..' Why is there no Disneyland in China ? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides |
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| Love that one Magic! Boom Boom!! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Another good one Lisa! A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. 'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked. 'No, I don't,' she replied. 'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.' She didn't crack a smile. 'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. 'What's so funny?' he asked. 'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!' (Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!) -- |
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| Subject: Guts? There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.'' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death. |
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| Lisa, I thought I was going to get tipped off yahoo, the original word was pen... so i tried changing it to wanger and that didn't work either. I think this thread is going to be busy. |
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| Good one Magic, ROFLMAO!!! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Two aliens landed in the desert close to Birdsville near old petrol Station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the old petrol pumps and the younger alien Addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The old petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien Said, "I'd calm down if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's Haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the *** y, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the Pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them And blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt Crumpled mess about 200 metres away in a dry creek bed. About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he Refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and Looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him Shaking his big, green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his Crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my Intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can wrap his ####is around himself twice and then stick it in his ear!! |
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| Lisa, I laughed out loud, what a great start, you have set the bar high, good one! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Post all your funny jokes here. I'll start with this one, I hope you like it (sorry if it's a bit rude) A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.' |
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