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| Morning Tash, I am good and you? It is my watering morning tomorrow between 6 and 8 am. Funny, my molly insists on waking me early too, she bounces my bed, I get up and she goes back to bed! I did washing last night, all dry! Still on the line though! |
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| Hi Magic! how's it going? We're coming into a hot spell here so have got watering (hand wat. only) and washing done early, because my beloved cat, Molly decided to hassle me at 5.45 this am!!! I just gave up and got out of bed. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Morning all, Lisa you have been busy, great jokes as usual. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Part 2, read the next post first. Scenario : Pedro fails high school English. 1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college. 2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. Scenario : Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest. 1957 - Ants die. 2009- State Police, Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario : Johnny falls while running during recess and skins his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him. 1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy. |
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| SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2009 Scenario : Jack goes rabbit shooting before school, Pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack. 1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns. 2009 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again.. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 2009 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs Scenario: Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students. 1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2009 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability. Scenario : Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Scenario : Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. 1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with. 2009 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario : Pedro fails high school English. ... |
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| Scottish joke: Dougal was a typical Scot. His wife Janet had just died and he wanted to place the least expensive death notice. He went to the newspaper office and wrote on the lodgement form "Janet died". The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge and that he could have six words. Dougal added three more words: "Janet died, Toyota for sale". | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| COACH - classic! Love it love it love it and will pass on to my outback bro. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The Americans were incredulous. Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air and his right hand was tapping on the road. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine. 'Mate' said the tour guide, 'what are you tracking and what are you listening for?' The aborigine replied, 'Down the road about 40 ks is a 1998 Ford ute. A red one. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in it's right rear panel. There are 5 fellows in the back, two in the front ....3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 2 dogs on the front seat.' The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge. 'Goddammit man, how do you know all that?' asked one. The Aborigine replied, 'Coz I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour ago.' |
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| i agree Coach, loved it! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| lol lisa! Most of that isn't funny - just totally true!!! ;) | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| SOME THOUGHTS FOR TODAY Remember... Once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put some in the food. ...If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all. Whatever hits the fan... Will Not Be Evenly Distributed. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don't have any film. I always know... God won't give me more than I can handle There are times I just wish He didn't trust me quite so much. Dogs Have Owners ~ Cats Have Staff If the shoe fits... buy a pair in every color. Never be too open-minded, your brains may fall out. Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian. Not any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Bills travel through the mail... at twice the speed of cheques. If you look like your passport picture... you probably need the trip. Some days are a total waste of makeup. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it! A balanced diet is a chocolate chip cookie in each hand. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. How true. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. I've tried!! Cheers all xx |
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| Roflmbo, would be funny if was someone who had been horrible to you. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Imagine actually doing that! I might just do it when I'm a crotchety old bag..... | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Hilarious Lisa and Coach, love it! How funny would it be to actually do that! |
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| lol, will have to try it on a particularly boring day eh! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dog turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a s@#t-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age. |
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| Nah, don't worry about the sanitisation process Crikey! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Perko, Magic and Coach, HILARIOUS! Thanks guys, they were so funny and great to see some more jokes here, LOVE IT!! Now we just need Crikey to sanitize just one joke, please Crikey? x | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Oh Coach! lol lol lol. Love those jokes. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| An American joke Just before thanksgiving Jim and Eddie are out hunting for turkeys when Jim keel's over and collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. Eddie gets out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, 'My God! My friend Jim is dead! What can I do?' The operator says, 'Calm down sir, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, Eddie says, 'OK done, now what?' |
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| A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?' 'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.' |
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| time to bake cupcakes *** | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Meryl and I had a BLAST! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Lol at crikey! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| hey tash enjoy your day out with meryl!!!!!!! :) | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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