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| Someone sent it to me this morning Magic so I'm not really responsible for starting it today hehe. I'd say the email will have done several around the world trips by the time the day is out. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Omg cutey, how could you? And, yes, I am wondering, think I will use gloves and tongs now! |
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| Goodone! Keep em coming joenthaknow! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Thought of the Day Have you ever wondered if the notes in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack? If not, you're wondering now. |
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| hahah I just found this thread! Funny stuff. My boyfriend told me this joke. Three boys sitting in a classroom. An English boy, An African boy and a Chinese boy. The teacher asks them to put green, pink and yellow in a sentence. The African boy stands up and says, " I have green leaves, pink bow tie and a bright yellow sun." The teacher congratulates him. "Well done." Next, the English boy stands up and says, "I have a pair of green, pink and yellow undies." The teacher congratulates him. "Well done." Meanwhile, the Chinese boy was asleep throughout their lesson. The teacher wakes him and up and annoyed she says,"Do you know what this lesson is about?" "No." said the Chinese boy. The teacher tells him about their lesson."Put green, pink and yellow in a sentence." The Chinese boy sat up thinking for a while, then he lit up and said,"I know! I know! The phone went gureen,green...then I went to pink it up and I said yellow?" |
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| Great jokes kipgamblinfan, I am blonde too and always love a blonde joke, too funny! I always just say five 0 fart now, unreal! |
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| I'm blonde too! Blonde & Redhead A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O' *** news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the money." So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O' *** news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied,... "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!" By the way, lol magic that was HILARIOUS!!! and the *** means the thing on the wall that tells the time, can you believe they wouldn't let me type that |
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| Okay i didn't get it at first. Business Trip To France A guy goes to France for a business meeting but ends up in bed with his secretary. Whilst they're doing it she starts screaming "Trux Faux, Trux Faux" he just thinks its an act of praise. The next day he's planning golf with his buddies and ones of them gets a whole in one. The man starts shouting "Trux Faux, Trux Faux" and they all look at him weirdly. One turns around and says "What do you mean WRONG HOLE" |
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| The Dark Side Of Women... A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty , she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the- (fart)lol! care. And he will now be your career!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead.. Show me what you bought.' |
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| Glad you liked them Lisa! I actually laughed out loud. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Good one Kimgamblin fan, keep em comin', hilarious!! We love your jokes! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Just read the Indian one, hilarious, loved it, keep em coming! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Omg, kipgamblinfan, too funny! Everyone knows I laugh so much at toilet jokes, thank you for my morning laugh! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| This is probably racist, but indian people are awesome and this is funny. Since you like toilet jokes and all... An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud. "White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?" "$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies. "That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?" "Charmin is $2.00 a roll and no name is 50 cents a roll." The Indian doesn't have much money so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours he is back at the trading post. "I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne." "Why?" asks the confused clerk. "Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take poo off an Indian." |
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| A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!" |
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| roflmbo, good one Peter, nice to see you contributing to our jokes! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? (This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.) John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?' His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!' For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?' Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!' Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted! 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!' |
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| A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS..... Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!! Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests itself: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the post man earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, And notice that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup. As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water. I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it ... |
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| Three men - an Australian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie. The Australian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Australia ' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Australia was forever fertile for farming. Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The Biker says,'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a joint, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.' I pretty much vote this my favorite email of the year.... |
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| Just in case you miss this one on recipe heaven! Easy Chicken Recipe Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try. 4 - 5 lb. Chicken 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing 1 cup uncooked popcorn Salt/pepper to taste Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing mixed with popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room and lands on the table, it's done and ready to eat. And, you thought I couldn't cook .............. |
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| Subject: Don't fool with an old lady. Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 94 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!' Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little b..t..d ! |
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| Too funny kipgamblinfan, must be me, but I love toilet jokes, didn't see that one coming! Well done! |
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| Good one kipgamblinfan, keep 'em coming!! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| And another... There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers. After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was. Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet. This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey! I think I found the guy who c r a p.ped in the tuba!!!" |
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| The first grade class comes in from recess, and Teacher asks Mary, "What did you do at recess?" Mary says, "I played in the sand box." Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does, and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, "I played with Mary in sand box." Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Billy does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Bernie Goldberg what he did at recess. He says, "I tried to play with Mary and Billy, but they threw rocks at me." Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie." |
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