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| Omg Lisa, why do men whistle in the toilet, just too funny for words. Me again, enjoying toilet humour. Dry dreams and wet farts, I can hardly type! Thank you, I was just passing with the duster this trip. |
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| You know you getting old when: The four letter word for something two people can do together in bed is 'Read'. The names in your little black book are mostly doctors. When the candles cost more than the cake. You and your teeth no longer sleep together. You get the same sensation from the rocking chair that you used to get from the roller coaster. You can live without sex, but not without glasses. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it. Your back goes out more than you do. Your ears are hairier than your head. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. You can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there. Work is a lot less fun, and fun is a lot more work. You start having dry dreams and wet farts. |
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| Sorry to the men we love: A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you........ ------------------------- --- 'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied. ------------------------- ------------------ Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour ------------------------- ------------------ Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN ------------------------- -------------------------- Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men. ------------------------- ------------------------- Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy.. ------------------------- -------------------- Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. ------------------------- ----------------- Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.. ------------------------- ------------------ Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals' |
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| Some more re nostalgia: Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories. Do you know, one day we'll look back on all this... and plough straight into a parked car. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Things have got so bad, the good old days were only last week. |
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| Some one liners re memory: I have an excellent memory except for names, faces and ... something else. One good thing about extreme memory loss is that you get to meet new people every day. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. For as long as I can remember I've had amnesia. I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. |
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| Nah Tash, any family that can laugh together has so much going for it! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| i've never been into snorting Magic! But Grandie makes me laugh so much sometimes that I almost can't get my breath, and she says I sound like her cat purring!!! We are a bizarre family I think! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Lisa I have heard that one before but it still made me laugh, thank you! A giggle or a snort Tash, always good! |
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| nothing like a good giggle to start my day! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| This is silly, but I got a giggle. Sorry about the caps: THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS. NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED. SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.... THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN. THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS. Boom Boom. xx |
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| LOL Ladies, I'm glad you enjoyed that, I must also agree on #11 LOL!! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Thanks Tash, great minds and all that! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Certainly agree with Magic on 6 and 11 Lisa! Very good. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Loved it Lisa, not sure about statement 6 or 11 for that matter - lol! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Hi all, back from Perth, Good one Magic, but where is everyone else? C'mon people, post your jokes here - laughing is good for you!! It is good to be a woman: 1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. 3. Taxis stop for us. 4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo. 6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves. 7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end. 9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 10. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot. 13. We will never regret piercing our ears. 14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway. Cheers all!!! |
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| Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to > no > avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. > > The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the > steps > to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he > has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost > haunting > melody fills the house. > Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, > and > he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the > haunting > piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the > beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! > > > > Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. > > He bursts in and shouts to his master: > > "Master, Master! ....... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!" > > |
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| > Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... As it > happens, > near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather > deserted > highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road > in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts > to > control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. > > > > Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over > at > the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! > Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her > medical assistance. > > Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a > short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming > from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. > > A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately > blurts > "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a > terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use > your phone?" > > > > "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master > is > a doctor; come in and I will get him!" > > Bob brings his wife in. > > > > An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have > misled > you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many > miles > to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see > what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." > With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob > following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses > from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining > table.. > After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are > serious, > Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his maste ... |
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| It is good to be a woman: 1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. 3. Taxis stop for us. 4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo. 6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves. 7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end. 9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 10. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot. 13. We will never regret piercing our ears. 14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway. |
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| Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. As they did the stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Sh#t..! Am I driving..?" |
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| Depends what you're snorting | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| If you don't snort, you will make oinking sounds! snort, snort! |
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| well... ya gotta snort dont ya!! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ha Ha great to hear you snorting again Coach! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| hee hee hee giggle snort | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about." |
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