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| Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?" |
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| 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!" |
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| Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The Pope and Kevin Rudd are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd, at the AFL Grand Final. The Pope leaned towards Rudd and said,"Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like those believers in a football match, but go deep into their hearts, and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!" Rudd replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me." So the Pope backhanded the self-important little b******. |
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| A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.. "How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too." Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker. Don't trust little Old Ladies!!! |
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| that one was one of my favourites | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| *** es 'til the End! The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??' 'Because I don't want any of those *** es sleeping with your father after I'm gone..' And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.' THOUGHT FOR THE DAY... Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected. |
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| The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... 'Tim, wake up, you drunken *** . You've sh1t the bed !!' |
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| rofl reddog ... yeah they were pretty good Nikki. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tim came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Tim, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?' The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter..' Tim was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.' St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.' Tim was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad,' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here?' 'It's not so bad,' replies Tim, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.' 'Never,' replies Tim. 'Well just relax and let it happen.' And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... 'Tim, wake up, you drunken *** . You've sh1t t ... |
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| A woman goes into Myers to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Myers salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50?" "The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50." |
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| A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your arrsshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.' |
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| WRIGLEY'S CHEWING GUM! An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a Conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?' The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.' The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.' The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence. The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.' Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia . The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?' The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?' 'We throw them away, of course!' Now it was the Australians turn to smile. 'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?' |
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| ~lol~ | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."?? It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is. |
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| We didn't have fancy *** like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'... Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat- *** s! And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before! Regards, The Over 30 Crowd |
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| THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!! If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!! When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of *** like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!! There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents! Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe! There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig? We didn't have fancy *** like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And ... |
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| My bad, read the post before. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The Sp *** h are all excited to see > their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully > designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Sp *** h navy can > get a really good look at the old Sp *** h navy. > Americans meanwhile and as usual are > carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, > just in case. > > And in the southern hemisphere... > > New Zealand has also raised its > security levels - from "baaa" to > "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defense cutbacks > (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying > paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime > Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of > escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and > rescue us". > > Australia, meanwhile, has raised its > security level from "No worries" to > "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation > levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll > need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The > barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever > warranted use of the final escalation level. |
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| How nations deal with security > threats > The English are feeling the pinch in > relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their > security level from "Miffed" to > "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be > raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A > Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit > Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all > but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from > "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The > last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" > warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Sp *** h > Armada. > > The Scots raised their threat level > from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the > *** s" They don't have any other levels. This is > the reason they have been used on the front line of the > British army for the last 300 years. > > The French government announced > yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from > "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher > levels in France are "Collaborate" and > "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent > fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, > effectively paralyzing the country's military > capability. It's not only the French who are on a > heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert > level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to > "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels > remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and > "Change Sides." > > The Germans also increased their alert > state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress > in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two > higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and > "Lose". > Belgians, on the other hand, are all > on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried > about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. > > The Sp *** h are all excited to see > their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully > designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Sp *** h navy can > get a really good look at the old Sp ... |
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| after all the cr/p these two have been together guess who is still together,see below my butt cheeks |
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| but wait there,s more if you buy rug no more mister bad guy horror movie-hello hunky 6' bimbo,so not only will that new found love be a high maintance item you will be too.so hurry and buy a rug now and if you,re one of the first 50 callers we,ll throw in an inflatable doll totally free. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Hey come on you blokes!!! this is the funny thread, not the fight about football teams thread. Take that outside. heres a Joke to get it back on track. The Fortune Teller… The fortune teller looked up at her customer, sitting across the table. 'There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt… Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.' Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: ‘Will I get away with it?’ |
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