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| Judge Judy to prostitute : 'So when did you realize you were raped? ' Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced..' |
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| i have a dirty joke timmy fell in the mud |
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| gt, I've got an email that show Bruce Lee playing ping pong with numchucks, unbelievable. I'll pass it on if I find it. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Smart move me thinks .... Chuck Norris is good but he'd be/was no match for a REAL expert. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Chuck Norris is a little pansy and once Bruce Lee invited him to a challenge of skills and Norris backed down. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| adrian, that's almost as bad as the Chuck Norris jokes! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I think this deserves to be in this thread... ------------------------- ------------------------- ---------- MICK Malthouse has accused the media of banding together to criticise Collingwood's tactic of avoiding the centre corridor. Following Collingwood's Anzac Day loss to Essendon, pundits, including the Herald Sun's James Hird, have criticised the Pies' game plan because it hugged the boundary line too much. The Magpie boss fired back today, saying that he was right and the critics were wrong. ------------------------- ------------------------- ---- You're never wrong are you Mickey..... |
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| a kiwi walks into centrelink and says to the counter staff "iv'e just arrived in oz and i really want to work so i can get ahead in life". the staffer says ok ive got just the job for you you start at 10.00am every day except friday, saturday and sunday which are days off you have to drive around the 18 year old model daughter of a local billionare you also have to ensure she enjoys her three x 2 week overseas holidays in different countries you will have your own live in apartment on the fathers property with full access to tennis, golf etc etc and you are to ensure the daughter is showered each morning for her day of leisure for this you will receive $200,000.00 p/a including monthly bonuses dependant on the daughters review of your massaging ability the kiwi looking dubiously says to the staffer "your bull *** ting me arent you" the staffer replies "you started it" |
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| Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover. Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken. Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls. Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris." Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol. Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move. It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks. Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard. Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three b ... |
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| Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, donât be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris. If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass. Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris." Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run. MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris. Whatâs known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesnât use its full name, which happens to be âUltimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division â. Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol. The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings. There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious. Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful. The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice. Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom. The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends" Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic. Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple. Wh ... |
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| American tourist was walking around Canberra , and felt the sudden urge to pee. He hunted for twenty minutes trying to find a public toilet , but to no avail. Out of desperation, he ducked into a laneway, and had just undone his fly , removed his tackle and was about to start when he felt a tap on his shoulder . He turned around to find a very big Federal policeman staring him down. "Put it away and follow me" The American reluctantly complied and followed the copper. After about a 400 m walk, the policeman stopped at a very large black car , and said " Go for your life" the American was confused, but out of desperation because he was nearly about to explode, removed the tackle and did the job. After he finished, the American turned to the policeman and said "Thank you. Is that Australian courtesy" "No mate. Thats the Kiwi Ambassador's Limo" |
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| haha good one ryan :) | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas. Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain. Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order. A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants. Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face. There is in fact an âIâ in Norris, but there is no âteamâ⦠not even close. Scotty in Star Trek often says âYe cannae change the laws of physics.â This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists. Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks. Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold. Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography. |
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| pmsl, I love those | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes. You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you. Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany. When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer. Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage. |
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| The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium. Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography. When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies. When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one. Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego. When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink. When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO. ... |
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| When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes. There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg Mc *** in at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's. Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick) Chuck Norrisâ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes. Chuck Norris can divide by zero. |
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| have all heard these but bloody funny If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you. There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip. Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. |
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| A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. What appears to be a young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting. He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down. "Yes, officer?" "I have to ask you, what are you doing?" "Well sir, I'm reading a magazine." "What about the young lady in the backseat?" The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she's knitting a jumper." "How old are you, young man?" the officer asks. "I'm 22, Officer." "And the girl?" The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes." |
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| Mattel has released the new doll, the Divorce Barbie Comes with Kens house, Kens car and Kens boat. |
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| A rabbit is sitting at a bar one day and decides heâs hungry. He asks the barman âcould I please have a toasted ham and cheese sandwich?â The barman gets one for him and the rabbit eats it. After finishing it he asks the barman âcan I please have a toasted salami and cheese sandwich?â Again the barman gets it for him and he scoffs it down. Upon finishing this one the rabbit is still hungry, so asks the barman â excuse me can I please have a toasted cheese and tomato sandwich?â Same thing again, the barman gets it for him and the rabbit begins eating it. Halfway through the sandwich the rabbit suddenly falls off his stool onto the floor and begins having convulsions. The barman looks over the bar at the rabbit and says âare you OK mateâ. The rabbit replies âDonât worry, Iâve just got a bit of myxinmatoastiesâ |
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| What's the definition of 'Franklin speaking'? Going right to the point! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| IT'S A GUY THING" Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated: "I have no idea how it works." "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe." "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated: "Are you still talking?" "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary." "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." "I CAN'T FIND IT." Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translated: "What did you catch me at?" "I HEARD YOU." Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me." "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving." |
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| Men Are Like... Your Ad Here ... Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why. ... Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. ... Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long. ... Commercials. You can't believe a word they say. ... Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory. ... Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. ... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. ... Curling Irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. ... Government Bonds. They take way too long to mature. ... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. ... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. ... Parking Spots. The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small. ... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. ... Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them. |
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| Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?v Woman: Do not enter. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. |
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