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| A woman finishes work and goes to the Green Angel a local bar for a martini like she does every day, she gets her drink and settles on a bar chair, suddenly a voice behind her says - Mmmm sexy lady - she turns around to see a filthy stinking derro looking at her - he moves closer and says - I,d like to see you naked - disgusted she moves to the other end of the bar - he follows her and says - I,d pour tomato sauce on your titties and lick it off - she tells him to piss off and moves right round to the other side of the bar, once again she settles down, again he follows her and says - And then I'd stuff your box full of icecream and eat it out - she tells him to fark off and storms out of the bar, she gets home in tears and her husband asks whats wrong - fighting tears she says she was in the bar and was harassed by this filthy stinking derro - the husband is furious and grabs his car keys and jacket and wants to know what he said - she says " I want to see you naked and pour tomato sauce on your titties and lick it off " - the husband swears and heads for the door - she says wait he also said " Then I'd stuff your box full of icecream and eat it out " the husband stops, turns around and puts his jacket back on the chair and car keys on the table and sits down - she says what are you doing ? - he says Anyone who can eat that much icecream is too big for me ! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patient to operate on. The first surgeon, from Sydney , says, "I like to see Accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, from Melbourne , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon, from Adelaide , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.." The fourth surgeon, from Brisbane chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those blokes always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon, from Canberra, observed: "Politicians are the easiest to operate on. No guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable. |
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| GREAT Errol .... all aboard THE queue. |
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| Why Australia is in Trouble The population of this country is 20 million. 11 million are retired. That leaves 9 million to do the work. There are 5 million in school Which leaves 4 million to do the work. Of this there are 2 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 2 million to do the work. 0.1 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden. Which leaves 1.9 million to do the work. Take from that total the 1.5 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 0.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 18,800 people in hospitals. Leaving 381,200 to do the work. Now, there are 380,198 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are, Sitting on your ass, At your computer, reading jokes. Nice. real nice. Thanks for nuthin! |
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| A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black he.a.r.se was followed by a second long black he.a.r.se about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second he.a.r.se was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog. 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you,but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. 'Whose funeral is it?' The man replied, 'Well, the first he.a.r.se is for my wife' 'What happened to her?' The man replied 'My dog attacked and killed her.' He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second he.a.r.se ?' The man answered 'My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.' A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. 'Can I borrow the dog?' 'Join the queue' |
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| AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, '44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL". NOW I HAVE A$1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.' MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV. AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES. |
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| Not quite right coops- http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/gameshows/millionair e.asp | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Not quite right coops- http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/gameshows/millionair e.asp | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| i think you have been done eric. hahaha kathy evans is a comedian. might be a pisstake. |
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| The frame might be a ripper al but the guernsey? Got a hangover and cant see properly mate? lol | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| How come you didnt make comment of the 2% of the audience rob? wonder if they also said elephant? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cmon daz you're keeping the idiot in suspense. lmao KKB, now on this show, if you get the answer wrong it means you do not continue. capiche? lol |
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| Kingkongbundy= Kathy Evans brother! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I got the 666 post ... am an evil sonofab!tch ! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| FUNNY - my new (signed and framed) Fremantle guernsey is now on our wall. It's a bloody ripper with the woodwork teacher at Mt Barker Senior College making the frame (exquisite). Now I've gotta find out if he's interested & how much he's gonna charge to make 4 more frames .... Swans 2005 Premiership jumper, Adam Goodes 2nd Brownlow jumper, signed Paul Kelly Jumper and Fremantle Dockers signed 'Purple Haze' jumper. Funny thing is, now that I win something it looks like it's gonna cost me a quid or 1600 just to make the others look good. |
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| Is there an ending to the Millionaire one, or is that it? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! *** I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'.... ***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!*** While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. ***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!! Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!! |
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| ***They Walk Among Us!!!!*** I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kilogram. ***They walk among us! *** My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot... ***They Walk Among Us!!!!!*** My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... ***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!*** I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned... |
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| ***They walk amongst us!*** *One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?' ***They walk among us!!*** While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.' ***They Walk Among Us!!*** My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'. |
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| Caution... They Walk Among Us! Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it! |
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| don't ask me why it did that 3 times | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds. 'Come on Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.' To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.' 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans. Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favour of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life. 'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.' Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.' |
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| Idiotic 'Millionaire' Contestant Makes Worst Use Of Lifelines Ever NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.' It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?' A) A Peanut B) An Elephant C) The Moon D) Hey, who you calling large? Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.' Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure. 'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans. 'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.' Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant. 'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.' Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with h ... |
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| Idiotic 'Millionaire' Contestant Makes Worst Use Of Lifelines Ever NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.' It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?' A) A Peanut B) An Elephant C) The Moon D) Hey, who you calling large? Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.' Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure. 'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans. 'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.' Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant. 'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.' Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with h ... |
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| Idiotic 'Millionaire' Contestant Makes Worst Use Of Lifelines Ever NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.' It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?' A) A Peanut B) An Elephant C) The Moon D) Hey, who you calling large? Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.' Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure. |
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