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| These classified ads were really put in the paper FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little basdad . Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 C.o.c.ker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows faaaking everything. |
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| Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Telstra guy wants to buy Mum .' | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| > TRUE STORY: > Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches. > There also used to be a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine > charging cars £1 and coaches £5. > This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years , then one day > just didn't turn up for work... > "Ho hum", said Bristol Zoo Management - "better phone up the City > Council and get them to send a new parking attendant" ...... > "Err no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility" ... > "Err no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the > City Council, wasn' t he?" ..... > "Err NO!" > Living in Spain is a bloke who had been taking daily the car park fees > amounting to an estimated £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 > years... |
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| It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning. The reasons for this odd behaviour are based on Einstein's famous Relativity Theory. It works like this: It is a well known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move. After about 8 beers, you're moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture. According to his Relativity Theory, any body moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub. Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine: - for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub. A typical situation is "OK guys, it's 8 Oâ *** ; I'm going home early to surprise the family!" However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes: "WTF - why is it so quiet? Holy *** ! It's half past one! WHAT HAPPENED?" ...and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation! |
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| CROWS coach Neil Craig is in a bind. He wants to teach some of his underperforming players a lesson without shattering their confidence and perhaps destroying their careers. ------------------------- ------------------------- ------- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA |
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| George Bush and *** Cheney are watching the 6 o' *** news on TV one evening. Cheney bets Bush $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," Bush replied. A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. Cheney, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to Bush and tells him that he does not need to pay the $50. "No, a bet's a bet," Bush replied, "I owe you $50 dollars." Cheney, feeling even more guilty, replied, "No, you don't understand, I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out." "That's okay," said Bush, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." |
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| Q: What is the difference between the Vietnam war and the Iraq war? A: George W. Bush had a plan for getting out of the Vietnam war. |
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| Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest race horses in the world? Because the horses have seen what they do with their sheep |
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| i think this thread should die after reading this otherwise where all in trouble | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Melbourne man James Hope is devasted after his girlfriend dumped him on Tuesday, claiming his dad jokes âreally werenât funnyâ. âShe had told me heaps of times before that my jokes sucked, but I thought she secretly found them endearing,â said Hope. âTurns out she wasnât being funny â she really does hate my corny jokes.â Hopeâs girlfriend, Lisa Jennings, said initially the jokes had been bearable, but they quickly took their toll. âSeriously, every time we drove past a cemetery it would be âWeâre in the DEAD centre of townâ and âPeople are DYING to get in thereâ. That is not a figurative dad joke â my dad actually told me that when I was a little girl,â said Jennings. âIt got to the point where I couldnât get a straight answer out of James. Iâd ask how long dinner was going to be and heâd say âAbout ten centimetresâ. Thereâs only so much of that you can take.â âThe final straw was when I said I was hungry and he said âHi Hungry, Iâm Jamesâ. I nearly stabbed him in the eye,â said Jennings. Hope stood by his sense of humour, claiming it had always been well received. âSometimes I tell jokes and girls just leave the room. Theyâre just laughing too much.â However Hope said he remained optimistic about dating in the future: âAfter all, I am a hopeful guy â get it? HOPE-ful! Thatâs gold!â |
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| A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" |
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| Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ' They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.' |
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| The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball,a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money at be able at affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit." |
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| Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a > > Small village > > and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. > > > > He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the > > Kiwi > > > > 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?' > > > > Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid > > Aussie.' > > > > Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going > > mate?' > > > > Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.' > > > > Kiwi: (look of extreme shock) > > > > Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' > > (pointing at the villager) > > > > Dog: 'Yep' > > > > Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?' > > > > Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds > > me great food and > > takes me to the lake once a week to play.' > > > > Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief) > > > > Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?' > > > > Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I > > think.' > > > > Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?' > > > > Horse: 'Cool' > > > > Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded) > > > > Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at > > the villager) > > > > Horse: 'Yep' > > > > Ventriloquist: How does he treat you? > > > > Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me > > regularly, brushes me > > down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the > > elements.' > > > > Kiwi: (total look of amazement) > > > > Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?' > > > > Kiwi: (in a panic)... "The sheep's a *** *ing > > liar !!!" |
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| A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the Gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 8 inches In your pants." After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my garages, beautiful homes in California, Aspen, Colorado and Miami. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. BUT, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I Cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back! |
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| hahahaha that's golden. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 'Got stoned once and *** ked a pea *** . I was just wondering if you were my son.' - should read "fecked a peacok" |
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| bahahah i love this one :-)) "I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked: 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:" 'Got stoned once and *** ked a pea *** . I was just wondering if you were my son.' |
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| Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him. "Joe, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Joe, you're a vet." |
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| They once said that a black man would be president when pigs fly. His first 100 days and wham!! Pig's flu! You simple *** k. the punchline is Swine Flu, who calls it pig's flu. |
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| send away :) | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Glad ya liked 'em ... can send more on now I've broadband. ... enjoy. |
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| Hey Al The e-mails you sent me were quite good ;) HAHA Cheers |
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| They once said that a black man would be president when pigs fly. His first 100 days and wham!! Pig's flu! |
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| A Scottish farmer was walking along his property one day when he spotted a man kneeling down to drink from the river that flowed through the place. "Don't drink the water", he yelled in his thick Scottish accent, "it's full of cow 5hit and dead livestock". "Listen", came the abrupt reply, "I am an Englishman and I have no idea what you are saying, please speak more clearly". The Scotsman yelled back "I said, do you need a cup?" |
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