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| A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose "Carmen." What's your name?" He answered "B.J. Titsengolf." |
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| Cats...18-18 (126) Cubs....5-3 (33) not funny hilarious. |
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| which ones funnier: - Rioli Brownlow fav & will be leading the comp after rnd 10 or - Lions premership fav because "they basically beat the Saints", when the Saints won a good match, the Hawks don't get a mention, apparently not much has changed for the Dogs from last yr and with the Cats "they are h&a specialists who struggle in finals, where we win because the other team is poor (an ave win margin of 64.5 mind you)". And the Lions will also have it over the Cats, because the Lions play the same sort of fighting footy the Hawks played in last yrs g/f, and it saw the Lions lose by 93 points to the Cats earlier this yr. tough call |
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| Funny joke hawks v brisbane in tassie round 12 |
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| There were two high school sweethearts who dated chastely for all four years of high school. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast while the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. It was evident that she had become very loose and trampy but he still saw the good in her and wanted to win her back. But she became annoyed. Since she now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this: She took a photo of herself in an unmentionable position with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was very upset. So what he did next was awesome: He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents. |
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| Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel. |
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| the old knee is playing up.. must be a storm coming... | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The tiger fur will be flying in no time. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| it's gonna be on now pmsl | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Got this email and i just couldn't resist.. hahahhahahahahahahahahaha hah hahahahahahahahaha Do you find grand final time stressful? Does the cost of expensive grand final tickets cause you concern? Do you fly into a panic trying to org *** e interstate travel and accommodation at short notice for the grand final? Are you driven to despair by the complicated process of grand final ticket ordering systems? Does the shortage of grand final tickets and the likelihood that competing club members will miss out get you down? Don't panic. Don't despair. A solution is at hand...... .... .... SUPPORT RICHMOND INSTEAD. No need for expensive grand final travel and accommodation. No grand final ticket angst. Give Grand Final stress the Punt. Support Richmond. No heart, no worries. Punt Road – donating their organs for gutless performances since 1982. |
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| Teacher is quizzing her students on famous quotes and who said them. Teacher asks who was the famous black American who said "I have a dream" A little Asian girl down the front puts her hand up a says "miss that would be Martin Luther King". Teacher says " very good, for being so clever you can have Monday off" Little girl says "Oh no miss, where I come from we take education seriously, I will be her on Monday" Teacher asks the next question "who was the famous playwrite that wrote " to be or not to be". The same girl sticks her hand up. But Little Jonny down the back mutters " F** ing asian". Teacher turns around and says "who said that" Jonny replies "Pauline Hanson miss, se ya tuesday" |
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| A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" |
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| A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly r eplied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal. Apologies if they have been posted before but was just sent them and thought they were funny. |
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| Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his p-e-n-i-s into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my *** into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what20happened?' 'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.' |
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| A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your p-e-n-i-s as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.' |
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| Mohammed entered his classroom. "What is your name?" asked the > teacher. > > "Mohammed" answered the kid. > > "In Australia" replied the Teacher "there is no Mohammed". > "From now > > on your name will be Bruce". > > > > > > > > In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, > Mohammed?" > > asked his mother. "My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia > and now my > > name is Bruce." > > "Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown > your parents, > > your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him. > Then she > > called the father and he too beat him savagely. > > > > > > > > The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw > him with all > > the bruises she asked: "What happened to you little Bruce?" > > "Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked > by two > > *** kin' Arabs!" |
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| 1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d1ck or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...' 5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. 6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. 7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly. 8. Virginity can be cured. 9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity. 10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small. 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under. 14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing...... 15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't. 16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. 17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!! |
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| when she auditioned for a part in Raiders of the Lost Ark she got the part of the big Rolling Ball. she make Jabba the Hutt look anorexic. her fave food is seconds. her belt size is Equator. she eats Desert out of a Trash Can lid she wears an 'X' jacket and Copters attempt to land on her she shows up on radar. she needs a map to find her butt. she fell into the Grand Canyon....and got stuck! she wears an asteroid belt. her Passport photo says 'Picture is continued overleaf' she has TB ... 2 bellys. she's once, twice, three times a lady. she was in the Daily Record last week on page 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9. the circus use her as a trampoline stunt agencies use her as an air mattress when she opens the Fridge it says - 'I give up...' she got a new gig at the Cinema...she works as the screen she once told me 'I could eat a horse'...believe me, she wasn't kidding! she deep fries her toothpaste. |
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| Your Mama So Fat when she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be continued'... she once went on a seafood diet...whenever she saw food she ate it! folk exercise by jogging around her! when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time. she sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a ga *** she make Kiko the Whale look like a Smartie NASA plan to use her to shore up the hole in the Ozone layer she was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm... small objects orbit her. she make olympic sumo wrestlers look anerixic. when I tell her to haul ass, she gotta make two trips. when she farted she launched herself into orbit. she lost a game at Hide&Seek only cos I spotted her...behind Mount Everest. when I had to swerve to avoid hitting her on the road I ran out of Petrol! she could be the eighth continent. she nearly put Safeway out of business the only thing that's attracted to her is gravity. her Uni graduation photo was an aerial |
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| Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Kevin, the saviour of 'working families', if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So Kevin (the saviour of 'working families' ) asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, That would be a 'tragedy.' No, said Kevin - that would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy' I'm afraid not, explained Kevin - that's what we would call great loss' The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Kevin searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand... In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Julia Gillard was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Kevin. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?' 'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a *** kin' accident either!' |
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| How does a Kiwi find a sheeep in long grass" ? "Satisfying " |
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| I heard they ben Cousins has a new nickname at the RFC ..they are calling him T A M P O N ... in for one and out for three . hows that guys not too sad?? |
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| sorry not kinger, king_kong Rooters supporter | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Don't think most will get that kinger, but funny never the less | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Ill take the gay Luke Bailey. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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