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| Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math's test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. "Ere ye go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and p.o.o.ped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!" Paddy is the new supervisor |
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| The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?' No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you !' Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?' Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!' The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?' Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye. Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued... 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.' |
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| On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra Kevvy is being chauffeured to Parliament House. It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin is frozen over. As he jumps out of the limo Kev looks over the lake and notices that someone has "peed" on the ice and left the message........."KEVVY SUCKS". Kevvy is enraged and orders ASIO to investigate with "no expense spared and to report within two weeks. Two weeks later the head of ASIO reports to the PM and says ...."Our investigation is over and I have three pieces of news for you... good news, bad news and terribly bad shocking news". Well says Kevvy give me the good news. The head of ASIO says......we spent $5 million dollars on the investigation and have come to a successful result. Well says Kev what's the bad news? The head of ASIO says "the DNA testing shows that the urine is Wayne Swann's". Kevvy is shocked beyond belief. Looking pale, Kevvy says "and what is the terribly bad shocking news?" The ASIO chief replies..."the hand writing is Julia Gillard’s". |
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| A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?" The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing." A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?" She replies, "Touchdown, tie score." The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard that he *** s all over the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Half time. Switch sides." |
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| A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" |
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| "Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| gt found a huge nugget but later discovered rbrown had dropped a huge log in that exact spot a day earlier. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| if it is rbrown's got it | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| a felching straw? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| didn't really want to start a new thread and thought this one was ideal..... notice how quiet it is without rbrown and GT here! rbrown MIA AGAIN after a hawks loss. GT in Kal prospecting. hmmm I think there is a straw in there as well ;P |
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| An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig." The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago." |
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| I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and Little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it ... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how the fight started ... **** I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah,' I said, 'she can order for herself.' And that's how the fight started ... **** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that's how the fight started ..... **** A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.' And that's how the fight started ..... |
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| Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing a gale, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' And that's how the fight started ... **** My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's how the fight started ... **** After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too' And that's how the fight started ... **** I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly ... |
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| A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. |
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| LOL GT PMSL | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall in the dim light and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap "Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.... sure enough he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells, "Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion, too!" |
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| A five-year-old boy > > and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch > > together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the > > cooler.> > The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I > > have a beer?> > Grandpa replied "Can your pecker > > touch you're ass?> > The little boy answered, "No > > Grandpa, It's just a little pecker!"> > > Grandpa > > said, Then you're not man enough to have a beer.> > > > A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar.> > The little > > boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?"> > Once > > again, Grandpa asked, "Can your pecker touch you're > > ass?"> > The little boy answered "no," again.> > > > Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a > > cigar."> > A little later, the boy came out of the > > house with some cookies and milk.> > Grandpa asked, > > "Can I have a cookie?"> > The boy asked, "Can your > > pecker touch you're ass?"> > Grandpa replied, Hell > > yeah, my pecker can touch my ass!"> > The boy > > replied, Then go f .. k yourself! Grandma made these > > for me."> > |
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| Teacher: johnny why wernt you at school yesterday Johnny: my father got burned Teacher: OMG is he ok? Johnny : They dont f<ck around at the crematorium miss |
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| There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge. |
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| rofl reddog. nice one. |
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| Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2 rabbits, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven Miss Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2 rabbits, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven Miss Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2 apples, how many will you have? Johnny: Six Miss Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2 rabbits, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven!Miss Teacher: Where the heck do you get seven from you stupid little boy? Johnny: cause I have got 1 f.cking rabbit at home already you dumb biatch |
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| Q. How do you put a giraffe into the fridge? A. Open the fridge, put it in, and close the door. Q. How do you put an elephant in the fridge? A. You open the door take out the giraffe, put the elephant in, and close the door. Noah invited all the animals to a meeting on how to cross the alligator infested waters. Q. How did they do it? A. They walked across. The alligators were at the meeting. Q. Who wasn't at the meeting? A. The elephant, he was in the fridge. |
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| A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?' One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be farked !! A talking pig!' The teacher had to leave the room!!! |
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