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| THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD SH!T Well, it's *** ... that's right, *** ! *** may just be the most functional word in the English language. Consider: You can get *** -faced, Be *** -out-of-luck, Or have *** for brains. With a little effort, you can get your *** together, find a place for your *** , or be asked to *** or get off the pot. You can smoke *** , buy *** , sell *** , lose *** , find *** , forget *** , and tell others to eat *** . Some people know their *** , while others can't tell the difference between *** and shineola. There are lucky *** s, dumb *** s, and crazy *** s. There is bull *** , horse *** , and chicken *** . You can throw *** , sling *** , catch *** , shoot the *** , or duck when the *** hits the fan. You can give a *** or serve *** on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep *** or be happier than a pig in *** . Some days are colder than *** , some days are hotter than *** , and some days are just plain *** ty. Some music sounds like *** , things can look like *** , and there are times when you feel like *** . You can have too much *** , not enough *** , the right *** , the wrong *** or a lot of weird *** . You can carry *** , have a mountain of *** , or find yourself up *** creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to *** and other times you fall in a bucket of *** and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. And remember, once you know your *** , you don't need to know anything else!! You could pass this along, if you give a *** ; or not do so if you don't give a *** ! Well *** , it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a *** and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of *** . But, if you happened to catch a load of *** from some *** -head....... ... |
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| i love your sense of fun karlee... well done |
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| An old farmer picks up a sheep,puts it under his arm and takes it inside, where his wife was laying on the couch. He says....."this is the pig i've been ph.u.c.k.ing" The wife looks up at him and says..... "thats not a pig, thats a sheep you idiot" The farmer looks back at his wife, and says " I Was talking to the Sheep " |
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| The MCG | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Whats Big and Green and scares the S.hi.t out of Collingwood? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| What about the Irish woman who gave birth to twins.... Her husband went looking for the other man. |
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| The latest craze is to fill a womans v.a.g.i.n.a with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of MINGE DRINKING... A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of d.i.l.d.o s! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with SQUATTERS... Just bought a racehorse called "My Face", It may not be any good, but I cant wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming "Come on..My Face".... Iv'e just been to my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit slow, but fark me, pass the parcel was fast!.... Two Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy R Brown said to Murphy Fitz-gerald "That's the best fark Iv'e ever had!"....."I wonder how the girls got on?" |
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| Make me! :P | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| shutup | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Men take note!! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 9 WORDS WOMEN USE (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... That will bring on a 'whatever'). (8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F... YOU! (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3. |
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| AN Unley woman set fire to her husband's genitals while he slept, leaving him with burns to 85 percent of his body, prosecutors will allege. Rajini Narayan, 44, appeared briefly in Adelaide Magistrates Court this afternoon charged over the fire at her family's two-storey home on Cleland Ave at about 5.30am yesterday. Geezus his genitals cover 85% of his body???? Must be hung like a rhino. |
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| A young zealous boy wanted desperately to work at a department store. He approached the store manager who responded they needed no help. Quite persistent, the boy returned again and again until the manager finally said "We're having a holiday sale tomorrow. Why don't you show up and you can give it a try." The elated boy returned the following day and proceeded to sell. At the end of the day the store manager called the youngster over and asked how he had done. The boy responded that he had sold $79,083.50 worth of merchandise. The manager asked how he had done so well. The young man said, "Well this guy was going fishing so I asked if he wanted some fish hooks, he said sure, That is $1.50. I asked if he had a nice fishing pole, he said no, so I got a graphite extension pole for $43.50. Do you have a nice reel, not yet replied the customer... so I got him a nice quick release reel for $35.00. I asked here he was going fishing and he said Strawberry Reservoir. I told him the best places to catch fish are near the center, "Do you have a boat?" The man said he didn't so I set him up with a nice outboard 30 foot cruiser for $28,000.00. Then I asked if he had a trailer. He didn't, so I got him a double axle trailer for $3,000.00. Then I asked what he had to tow the boat. He only had a station wagon, so I told him that just wouldn't do, but we could get him a nice fully loaded Dodge Ram dually, racked and packed with a tow package, trailer hitch and everything for $48,000.00. He wanted it all." As you can imagine the store manager was astounded. "And to think it all began with that man asking for a package of fish hooks?" The boy replied, "Oh no, it all began with him asking for some t a m p o n s which were $3.50, so I replied, "Well you aren't going to be doing much else this weekend, you might as well go fishing!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine. 14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. (Course time is four - five hours) 15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. |
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| Bedroom Golf 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection. 10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course. 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case. 12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole. 13. Pl ... |
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| Q: Why is it so hot at Port games? A: Because there's not a fan in the place. |
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| RC Browneoz was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages, on the internet in Marking the Football or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the television set. "Hey," Rbrowneoz shouted, "what do you think you're doing?" "I am sick of sports, and I'm sick of TV," his wife replied. "You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about s e x right now!" "Okay, Okay. So..." After a moment, he asked, "How often do you think Buddy Franklin gets l a i d?" |
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| so whats your point adrian?? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Hows this for funny?? Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head Now it gets really weird. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln . Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters. Now hang on to your seat. Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford'. Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford'. Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse. Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here's the kicker... A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe. |
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| Thats coz the tooth fairy was so busy visiting Collingwood and Port supporters he was too tired to dive on that 5 buck note. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| i once met the man that wrote that second gem angel. nice bloke. good sense of humour. |
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| Ä bloke walks into a pub sits down and orders 6 shots of whiskey. "geez"says the barman "thats alot of shots for some one who has just come in on their own" The man sits down "Ive just had my first blow Job" "Well then here is another one on the house"the barman pours him another. The man looks at him "well if 6 doesnt take the taste away i dont think 7 will". ~~~~~ An intelligent woman, an intelligent man and the tooth fairy are walking down the street when they all notice a $5 note on the pavement. Which one picks it up??? The intelligent woman does as the other two dont exist. |
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| A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 a.m. the man leaned over and gently woke the woman, saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold' 'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's just pretend that we're married.' 'Wow, that's a great idea!' , he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied...'Get your own blanket.' After a stunned moment of silence, he farted. |
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| I know it's an oldie but.. The coach of Collingwood Football Club gets wind of a potential new young recruit who lives in Afghan!stan. He and the Magpie Recruiting Manager thumb a lift with the RAAF to the war torn country and track the young man down. Risking life and limb dodging bombs, bullets, RPGs and grenades they finally find the lad and convince him to come to Australia. The boy does a full pre-season, plays all the practice matches and gets picked for the senior's bench for the first game of the year. Ten minutes into the first quarter, the centre half forward goes down with a severe knee injury. The coach turns to the young lad and says ' This is it son, take the centre half forward position and show us what you can do!' The lad takes the field and plays the greatest debut game in AFL history. He kicks 9 goals, takes the mark of the year and kicks the winning goal after the siren from outside 50. The Pies chair him off the ground and give him three cheers. Back in the dressing room, the Coach tells the rest of the team what the young Taliban boy has been through and that he is a model for all youth in Melbourne. He then pulled the boy aside and tells him to ring his mother and tell her what he did today. The boy phones his mother and says 'Mum! Guess what I did today!' 'I don't care what you did today' said his mother 'I'll tell YOU what happened here today while you were out wasting time! - Your Dad was stabbed and robbed, the house was torched, our car blown up, your sister attacked and your brother abducted!' 'By the beard of the prophet mother' said the boy ' I feel a bit responsible for what happened in my absence'. His mother replied before slamming the phone down 'So you should be!.......If it wasn't for you, we would never have moved to Collingwood in the first place!' |
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| gay c h i t c h a t i s e e a n y t h i n g t o a m u s e a f l f o o t y f a n s i s u p p o s e m w a h . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . s |
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