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| My wife asked me "Darl, what exactly is relative humidity" I replied " that's the sweat that runs down your back whilst knocking off your sister in law" And then the fight started. |
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| haha these are cool..im stealing them and emailing them to peoples.. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me > that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me. > Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.' > and then the fight started... |
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| A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o' *** in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy *** . That must be my husband!' > So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and > to his car as fast as he could go. > A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' > The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' > And then the fight started..... > > ------------------------- ------------------------- --------------------- > > I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" > It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. > "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. > So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" > And that's when the fight started.... > > ------------------------- ------------------------- -------------------- > > My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were > in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" > "No," she answered. > I then said, "Is that your final answer?" > She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." > So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." > And that's when the fight started.... |
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| My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday and then the fight started..... |
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| I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. > I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. > And then the fight started.... |
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| A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' > The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' > And then the fight started..... |
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| I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. > "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." > He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" > Nah, she can order for herself." > And then the fight started... |
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| My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. > My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' > 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' > 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' > And then the fight started... |
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| After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. > The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing > my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. > When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the > Social Security office. > She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten > disability, too.' > And then the fight started... |
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| When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace > expensive... so, I took her to a gas station. > And then the fight started... |
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| My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' > I bought her a set of scales. > And then the fight started... |
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| My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. > She asked, 'What's on TV?' > I said, 'an inch of dust!!' > And then the fight started... |
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| THen the fight started.................. ........... | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. (yeah right !) They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe' Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: 'Good till the last drop'. Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Sydney a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans' Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size' She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand' Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ. The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.' MUM FAINTED! |
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| While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his pen!s covered with purple spots.. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.' The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.' The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your pen!s .' The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.' The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.' The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his pen!s and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease.' The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my pen!s!' The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!' 'Oh, Thank God!' the man replies. ' Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself. |
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| I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list. If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.....I feel so stupid. |
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| haha go angel! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| no kaz but hell he wouldnt be in the back thats for sure!!!! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| lol not the way that i drive | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| You didnt happen to have young Symes riding on your back bumper, by any chance angel? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Thats ok, he would have been 10 metres away from any danger. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Funny is me nearly taking out my car while i was perving on andrew mcleod who was in training gear walking into west lakes shopping centre men are dangerous |
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| A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl,Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her bum in it." |
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| Davo Dinkum is busy cooking dinner one night when his curtains catch on fire! He races to phone and calls the fire brigade. "hello fire brigade how can when we help you?" "i got a farkin fire in me kitchen" "right then, how do we get there?" "Don't you have that big red truck no more?" |
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