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| CAKE OR BED A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW. HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ENERGEX WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!! SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.................... ............ HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE. HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE? SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.. DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! |
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| I bet she can gargle | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Funny ??????????????? More like Hilarious... |
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| PARIS Hilton cornered Beatles legend Sir Paul McCartney at the Grammy Awards making him an offer that he could absolutely refuse. The LA heirhead sidled up to the rock n roll great and said Id love to do a duet with you, before saying the unthinkable, Im a singer too and have had an album out. |
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| I don't get any :-( What's more, if my Daughter doesn't get her Mummies 07-08 lodged soon, she won't get any neither. Speaking of stimilus payments, quite happy really not to get any, some blokes over here use stimulus payments regularly, hopefully, a bit wiser than Garry Glitter did! They say money makes the World go around, I wouldn't know, will have to ask my sweet fascination and our 2 daughters about that, they get all of mine! |
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| lol nikki my money is going on my bday party and maybe a new tattoo |
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| > >> >>> Important Information on the Stimulus Payment >>> >>> "This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. >>> This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q > and A format: >>> >>> "Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? >>> >>> "A. It is money that the federal government will send to Taxpayers. >>> >>> "Q. Where will the government get this money? >>> >>> "A. From taxpayers. >>> >>> "Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? >>> >>> "A. Only a smidgen. >>> >>> "Q. What is the purpose of this payment? >>> >>> "A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a >>> high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. >>> >>> "Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? >>> >>> "A. Shut up." >>> _________________________ ____________________ >>> >>> Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Economy by >>> spending your stimulus check wisely: >>> >>> If you spend that money at K-Mart, all the money will go to China. >>> >>> If you spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs. >>> >>> If you purchase a computer it will go to India. >>> >>> If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to South East Asia or > >>> New Zealand (unless you buy organic). >>> >>> If you buy a car it will go to Japan. >>> >>> If you purchase useless *** it will go to Taiwan. >>> >>> And none of it will help the economy. >>> >>> We need to keep that money here. You can keep the money here by >>> spending it at garage sales, going to a football game, or spending it > >>> on prostitutes, beer or tattoos, since those are the only businesses >>> still here. |
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| Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?' Customer says, 'Female.' Counter guy asks, 'Black or white? Customer says, 'White.' Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?' Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?' Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.' |
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| Best Pick-up Line Ever An Australian is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes. The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?' 'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.' The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?' The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.' The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?' 'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.' The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'' The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink? |
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| A prostitute, who was also a Cricket fan, got a tattoo of Brett Lee and Shane Warne on the inside of her thighs. She says to one of her customers, a regular, "If you can guess who they are, you get a free shag". He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those ugly *** s are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Andrew Symonds!†|
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| You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud. So every time you fart, you time it with the music. When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus Everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize. ............ . .. You're listening to your Ipod! |
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| An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?' The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance, -- just never wanted to.' A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing. When the last bullet had been fired the young bloke, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barrelled shotgun, and pvlled both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands. The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?' The bully swallowed hard and said, 'No, but I've always wanted to.' There are two lessons for us all here: 1. Don't waste ammunition. 2. Don't mess with old people. I just love a story with a happy ending... Don't you? |
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| Women are mean!!! She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in almost awake she turned and said softly, You've got to make love to me this very moment.' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck. A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.' |
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| THE STUD ROOSTER A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.' The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?' The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up And I am taking over.' The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.' The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch When he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking And running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit..... Third gay rooster I bought this month.' Moral of this Story? .. Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance! |
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| A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly The sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want. The Lord said, 'That request is materialistic, think of the enormous Challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach The bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand Our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking When she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she Means when she says "nothing's wrong", and how I can make a Woman truly happy.' And the Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?' |
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| New Weight Loss Program A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine." He lost 63 pounds that week. |
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| A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, 'Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.' She said, 'You have the biggest d1ck of all your friends.' |
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| Gotta admit those 2 crims in NZ doing the runner from the cops whislt hand cuffed together is pretty funny, Would have put in 09 idiots but not related to footy |
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| AN Irish backpacker armed with a pet fish in a container tried to rob a Brisbane ticketing agency saying he needed the money to feed the fish, a court heard. Judge Milton Griffin, SC, in the Brisbane District Court, was told walking Irish joke Richard William O'Flynn, 25, also tried to hold-up a bakery after having earlier tried to order a "gay wedding cake" for him and his male partner. ------------------------- ------------------------- -------- Funny creatures those Irish. |
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| speaking of things evangelical............. Pope Pius XVII, reputed to be a bit of a tosser, was soaping up in the Vatican shower one evening after a hard day's confessionals. Rinsing off his private parts caused him some arousal, so he thought to himself, why not have a little tug. Just at the critical moment, there was a blinding flash from the window - damn! the Paparazzi had caught him in the act. After a rather uncomfortable night's sleep his Grace figured he'd better call the local paper. This could all be rather embarrasing if it ended up on the front page of La Repubblica. After some hard negotiating, the editor agreed to sell the offending camera & the negatives to the Pope for 100 million lira. His Grace, rather relieved on the outcome,thought he'd better put the incriminating evidence for the time being in the Vatican vault. On his way their he passed Cardinal Benedict, who happened to be a bit of a photo graphic buff. "Nice camera you've got yourself there, your Grace, commented the Cardinal". "Yes", says the Pope, "I picked it up just today." "Mind if I ask how much it cost" asked the Cardinal. "100 million says the Pope" "Heavens above" says Benedict. "Nice camera, but not THAT nice" "Someone must have really seen you coming" |
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| Sex in the Dark There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent b@st@rd,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!' The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy. . You explain the kids.' |
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| gold!! kiwis very funny. if you guys like a bit of toilet humour at the expense of a tv Evangalist....... http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=dpGhWflaPiQ |
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| A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.' Passenger: 'Who?' Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.' Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.' Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.' Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special. Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right' Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.' Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.' Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?' Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his *** king widow.' |
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| A man walks into a police station and take out his e r e c t P E N I S .the seargent looks at hime and then says"what do you want me to do with that" the man says "I want you to put it on the breatho" because I am going to be driving it home tonight!!!! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Har, that's good.... Husband & wife, in the bathroom together ,getting ready for a dinner party. Wife, putting on her bra, gazing in the mirror... darling, do you think my breasts are a little on the small side? Husband, disinterested, says no dear they are just fine. Are you sure dear? you are not just saying that to please me? Husband, well if you think your breasts are too small, try rubbing some toilet tissue in your cleavage. Wife. How ridiculous, why would that work? Husband. Well, it's worked just fine on your backside, hasn't it? And that's when the fight started. |
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