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| Doctor Advice Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mech *** m of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. |
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| Milk Bath JUST WHEN I THINK I'VE HEARD THE 'BEST BLONDE JOKE' EVER, ALONG COMES THIS. A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?' The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.' The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?' The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face'. |
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| A man attends one of the clinics to help him " last longer", and is given a bunch of tablets to take. He goes home, takes the tablets, but unfortunately for him, they work too well and six hours later, is still affected. He cant sleep because of the discomfort, so out of desperation, attends the after hours chemist store . He approaches the counter , and asks to speak to the pharmacist. Out trots the pharmacist, a 70 year old spinster. Embarrassed he relates his story , and asks " what can you give me for this??" The old pharmacist thinks for a while, and says " I have to discuss this with my older sister. she is also a pharmacist, and has more experience than me. Excuse me for a moment" The guy stands at the counter and watches in pain as the old lady has an animated phone discussion with her sister. After what seems like hours , the old spinster pharmacist toddles over and says to the guy " I discussed it with my sister, and the best we can offer you for that is $20 000 and 5% of this year's profits" |
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| John Bradford, a dublin university student was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a very big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John desperate for shelter and without thinking about it got into the car and closed the door..only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasnt turned on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching scared he started to pray begging for his life. then just before the car hit the curve a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel John paralysed with terror watched as the hand came through the window but never touched or harmed him. Shortly there adfter john saw the lights of a pub appear down the road so gathering strength he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and wasnt drunk. Suddenly the door opened and two other people walk in from the dark and stormy night. They like john were also soaked and out of breath. looking around and seeing john sobbing at the bar one said to the other....... "Look paddy theres that f#cking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it" |
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| Good old Adolf not happy http://www.overstream.net/view.php?oid=izletpmxsba 1 |
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| He HE nice one Keep em coming |
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| Sorry fog, here it is. 'I promise I won't,' she says. 'I was behind you at McDonalds.' |
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| KO whats the punchline to this one?? A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' |
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| Nomination for idiot of the year Saw a car brandishing a sticker Was " Boycott Japan. Save the Whales. Stop the Slaughter" On the back of a Toyota |
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| A Psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four Mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy. ' He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny . He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy. ' At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about . Let's go pick up your brother Willy from school and go get dinner. ' |
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| Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon? It doesn't need cleaning yet How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the *** out of you. Woman inspires us to great things...and prevents us from achieving them. Wanna hear a funny joke? Women's rights. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, shes already been told twice. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, let the *** cook in the dark! Women are cute and cuddly - every man should own one. How are women and high school phone policies similar? Because they can be seen but not heard Why do women live longer than men? Because God adds them the time that they wasted on parking. How do you get a woman dizzy? Put her in a circular room and tell her to go to a corner. A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it? The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen. |
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| Why did the woman cross the road? Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!? Why don't women wear watches? There's a *** on the stove. Why do women have short feet? So they can stand closer to the stove. Why dont women have a *** ? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. Why don't women need drivers licenses? There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen. Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive? Because she was a woman. How many men does it take to open a beer? -None, it should be opened when she brings it to you. A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates. What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why. (Adam Ferrara) What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant. If your dog is barking at the back door and Danielle Cardella is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in! |
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| shutup. It's begun. |
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| Bored hey big fella ?? By the sounds of what's recently been posted in this forum we'll (you and I) will have much in common this season as our teams will be vying for the spoon. Let the banter begin. |
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| Any currency you bring with you will instantly boost you to levels of wealth you never expected as New Zealand's exchange rate with your county of origin is bound to be favourable! Read some testimonials: Amatoli Hizradda: "At first I had my heart set on Australia, but with the 50 Drachmas change I had in my pocket, I've purchased a large farmhouse and 2000 sheep!" Pong pen VNeue: " I'd never heard of New Zealand and when I got here I found no Triads or gangs to hold me ransom, so I started one!" Slobodan Milosovich:" I was suffering great hardships in my country due to United Nations persecution, I'm safe here in New Zealand as the UN doesn't even know it exists. |
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| Attention Refugees If you are currently suffering religious, racial or ethnic persecution or even financial hardships and are considering Australia as your destination, please consider the following: 1. Although Australia is a large continent, only small parts of it is actually worth living in and believe it or not these areas are already full of people. 2.The vast majority of the country is uninhabitable due to the large number of poisonous snakes,spiders and man eating crocodiles. 3.Due to the hole in the Ozone layer, you cannot live in the sun unprotected for more than 15 mins and sunscreen costs exceed 40% of the average Australian wage. 4.Australia is in the process of beefing up their defence forces, F111 fighter bombers, Orion coastal patrol aircraft and F/A 18 aircraft all scour our oceans looking for your ships, while the world renowned and feared Collins class submarines are the invisible death lurking undetectable beneath our seas. NEW ZEALAND WOULD BE A MUCH MORE SUITABLE PLACE TO GO 1.The land mass is virtually devoid of any population, most came to Australia years ago, unlike Australia, there's plenty of room! 2.During the last 1000 years or so any dangerous animal larger than a Pea has gone extinct from the Island, the Friendly Native Maoris have eaten them all. 3.The wonderful climate of New Zealand ensures clouds preserve you from the effects of dangerous UV radiation. 4.The New Zealand Defence force is currently in the process of selling its remaining Tiger Moth biplane, Bill and Wazza of the New Zealand Navy have taken their tin Dinghy and quit. Sailing into New Zealand is simplicity itself! The beautiful scenery, The Maoris peaceful and friendly nature, promiscuous sheep and the Joys of living in a first world country where water and power is available almost 80% of the time! Any currency you bring with you will instantly boost you to levels of wealth you never expected as New Zealand's exchange rate with |
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| A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 32,' is the reply.' 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30..' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks a hansome old man waiting next to her the same question. Terry replies, 'Lady, I'm sixty four and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' Terry slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.? After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' Terry completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' The randy old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 'I promise I won't,' she s ... |
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| A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared *** tail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, Bathurst1000, cricket, supermodels, favourite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts. Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot says... real slowly... So.........ya gonna follow Collingwood again this year?" |
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| Two kids were having a kick in the car park outside the MCG just before a big Carlton and Essendon match. As they were playing a dog came running across and attacked one of the little kids. The dog was on top of the kids scratching and biting him so his mate who he was having a kick with picked up a stick and started to bash the dog with it. Well in the end he belted the dog so hard he actually killed it. A news reporter witnessed this event and came rushing over for an interview. She said to the boy "That was great you just saved your best mates life, this could make a great story." So the lady started to think of a headline.... "Carlton Supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack". "No," said the boy "I am not a Carlton supporter." "Essendon supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack". "No," said the boy "I am not an Essendon supporter either." So the news reporter asked who he barracked for and he said "Collingwood." The next days headlines were "Low Life Maims Family Dog |
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| The seven dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In this distance a voice shouts out "Collingwood are good enough to win the Premiership." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!" |
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| Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Collingwood fan on the road? A. There are skid marks in front of the dog |
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| a man with heomorhoids is talking to his mate about his problem while watching the footy at his house. "they are soooo painful. they are uncomfortable, and the doc says that to remove them is a major operation." his mate says "it doesn't seem that bad. everytime i come round here you are lounging in the bean bag" "that aint no beanbag......!!!" he says. |
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| http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2 240802.ece not really funny but this is worth a look |
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| The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemosabe, look towards sky; what you see?' The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful , and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?' 'You dumber than buffalo sh/t- someone stole da tent.' |
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| There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die. They could choose to be shot, or to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slower death. So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly.) Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.) Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The Guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?" The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid.....I'm wearing a condom." |
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