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| Stimulus Payment Information. “This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format: Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgin. Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set or some such thing, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely: If you spend that money at Kmart, all the money will go to China . If you spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs. If you purchase a computer it will go to India . If you buy a car it will go to Japan . If you purchase useless sh!t it will go to Taiwan . And none of it will help the Australian economy. We need to keep that money here in Australia. You can keep the money in Australia by spending it at garage sales, going to a cricket match or footy game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses that may still be owned by Aussies. Thank you all Australians, Your mate, K.RUDD. |
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| An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus... 'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?' Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....' The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Pleasetell him to simply answer the question.' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' 'Now what would you have said? |
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| So before he was married he was masterbates and he could've fallen back into that if she had not seen the funny side. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| A BRITISH man fed up with his wife's complaints advertised her for sale - and got a number of offers. "Nagging Wife. No Tax, No MOT (roadworthy certificate). Very high maintenance - some rust," wrote Gary Bates, 38, in a small ad in Trade-It, more usually used to buy and sell cars or household goods. Mr Bates, a self-employed builder from Gloucestershire, southwest England, snapped after his wife Donna on got on his nerves while she was watching television and he decided to place the ad as a joke. "She was nagging me for doing something small, while she was watching some rubbish on TV. So I just thought I'd put an ad in to get rid of her. "I didn't think anyone would ring up but I've had at least nine or 10 people calling about her. It's gone mad. There was no one I knew - just people asking, 'Is she still available?'" The couple married only last year, and Mr Bates said his 40-year-old wife - whom he advertised in the magazine's Free to Collect section, along with some of his fishing tackle - initially gave him "a bit of an ear-bashing". But he said: "She's seen the funny side of it now, though!" |
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| forgive spelling why did the dalilama enter the casino he loved ta bet |
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| What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night? "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!" |
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| Most of my mates are male, they will get a good laugh out of them. Best go !!! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| glad u liked em | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| lol !! Time to pick up the boy, but I will send a few of those to friends. |
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| Eight Words with two Meanings 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-___expression, male bonding. 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female...... The greatest ___expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. |
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| Beauty Ryan !!! I was waiting for your next anti woman post hehe. Too easy | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 25 Reasons why beer is better than women 1 - You can enjoy a beer all month long 2 - Beer stains wash out 3 - You don't have to wine and dine a beer 4 - Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football 5 - When your beer goes flat you toss it out and get another one 6 - Beer is never late 7 - A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer 8 - Hangovers go away 9 - Beer labels come off without a fight 10 - When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer 11 - Beer never has a headache 12 - After you're finished with a beer the bottle is still worth five cents 13 - A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer 14 - If you pour a beer right you'll always get good head 16 - A beer always goes down easy 17 - You can always share a beer with friends 18 - You know you're always the first one to pop a beer 19 - Beer is always wet 20 - Beer doesn't demand equality 21 - You can have a beer in public 22 - A beer doesn't care what time you come home 23 - A frigid beer is a good beer 24 - You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good 25 - If you change beers you don't have to pay maintenance |
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| Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." |
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| I think I KNOW some of these women nye hehehe. They may be relatives. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I was sent this link today, thought I'd share with you all. It is bloody funny, I think I've dated some of these women! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfPjWQQDu3c |
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| Keep up the good work KO ... your country needs you. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. The y'll te ll you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Bruce and Trevor are Kiwi beggars. They beg in different areas of > Bondi... > > > > Bruce begs just as long as Trevor but only collects $ 2 to $ 3 every > day. > > > > Trevor brings home a suitcase FULL of $ 10 notes,drives a Mercedes, > > lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. > > > > Bruce says to Trevor 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how > > do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?' > > > > Trevor says, 'Look at your sign what does it say'? > > > > Bruce's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'. > > > > Trevor says 'No wonder you only get $ 2- $ 3. > > > > Bruce says... 'So what does your sign say'? > > > > Trevor shows Bruce his sign.... > > > > It reads: 'I only need another $10 to move back to New Zealand.' > |
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| A family of Collingwood supporters head out one Saturday morning to do their Christmas shoplifting. While in Rebel Sports the son picks up a Carlton footy jumper and says to his 10 year old sister "Hey molle, I've decided to become a blues supporter and I want this for Christmas" His sister, outraged by this, promptly wacks him around the head with her carton of Winfield's and says, " deckhead, go talk to mum." Off goes the little lad with the Blues jumper stuffed up his miller shirt and finds his mum. " Mum?" "Yes, son." "I've decided I'm going to be a Blues supporter and I want this jumper for Christmas." The mother is outraged at this and throws her moccasins and a full tinnie of VB at him, smacks him in the gob and says "let's talk to your father" Off they go to Pentridge during visiting hours, with footy jumper in hand, and find Moose, his toothless tattooed father. "Dad?" "Yes, knackers." "I've decided I'm going to be a Blues supporter and I want this jumper for Christmas." Moose goes berserk and gives his son an almighty backhander and says, "No bustard of mine is ever going to be seen wearing that " Sh!t ", and then kicks his ass from one end of the rec-room to the other, just for good measure. About half an hour later they're all back in the old Torana and heading towards home. The mother turns to her son and says, "Knackers", have you learned something today?" The son says " sh!t , yes you old dragon, I bloody well have." "Good knackers, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a Carlton supporter for an hour, and already I hate you Collingwood pr@@@ks |
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| I spoke to my mate last night who is in the States, only has about 11 days left ... he's so over snow and hillbillies and is now on his way to NY and surrounds. Reckon that it isn't his ideal place of adventure or holiday ... too ferkin cold and too many idjits. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| americans don't speak english. they speak american apparently as i have been told by so many of them.... hahahah. dumb a$$es. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| good laugh ryan thanks learning japanese, german, hispanic etc from now on | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I watch what I eat most definitely ... if I were to drop some on the missus's near white carpet she'd kill me. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: "Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.." |
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| Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 'If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!!!' AND... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.. |
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