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| i no this is really old but it's pretty funny...http://www.youtub e.com/watch?v=1AbugTv3FzY ...it actually used to have music with the words "why can't we be friends?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| how do you know when a south australian will say something intelligent they start a sentence with "a victorian once told me" |
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| A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| * Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?" * Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which." * Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?" * Witness: "Forty-five years." |
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| * Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?" * Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet." * Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?" * Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it." * Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?" * Witness: "'Winchester'!" |
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| * Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?" * Witness: "July 15th." * Lawyer: "What year?" * Witness: "Every year." |
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| * Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?" The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail. |
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| ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________ ________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. _________________________ ___________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? _________________________ _____________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor ? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. |
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| * Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?" * Witness: "By death." * Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?" |
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| ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. _________________________ __________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you 5hitting me? _________________________ ___________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid. _________________________ ___________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? _________________________ ___________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. _________________________ ___________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male. _________________________ ____________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. _________________________ _____________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. |
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| These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, recorded and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place... ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? DEFENDANT: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? DEFENDANT: My name is Susan! _________________________ ___________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. _________________________ ___________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. _________________________ ___________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _________________________ __________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? _________________________ ___________________ |
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| Geez I hope it's a mare and not a stallion. Otherwise that's just weird........ | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| A South Carolina man has been arrested for having sex with a horse after police say the animal's owner caught him on a surveillance camera. Police say this isn't the first time the 50-year-old has been charged; last year he pleaded guilty to having sex with the same horse and was placed on the state's sex offender list. Police arrested him on Monday, when he returned to the stable 32 kilometres northeast of Myrtle Beach where owner Barbara Kenley says a camera caught him having sex with her horse earlier this month. This time she was waiting for him with a shotgun and says she thought about shooting him but didn't want to go to prison. He is in jail. His brother says he has mental problems and may not have been taking his medicine. yarz was that you?? |
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| referring to the start of the year... | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Bucks would have got 8/9 tipping the Pies in the last 9 weeks.. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| when shane crawford wants to get his tips right...he goes to the hairdresser! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| whenever shane crawford has the chance to get his tips right, he will do whatever.. even if he's betting against his old team... but good old nathan buckley tips the pies even though he knows they will loose.... :p | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| lol. pretty good brownose. who said you were good for nothing. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| we don't need to know your shower routine brownose. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those co *** bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohican Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. |
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| How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Washyour hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas. |
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| John was in trouble, really big trouble. You see, he forgot his wedding anniversary and, if you’re married, you can imagine what he’s probably going through. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” She was serious too, so John got serious. The next morning he woke up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, right there in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation. Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale. John has been missing since Thursday. |
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| In the "old peoples Homes" they give all the men Viagra everynight, be cause it stops them rolling out of bed! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| SUNBURN A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?' The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.' |
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| That could well be Paddy 'Fitz Murphy'. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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