By: never_knew_that
13/05/2008
10:40 am Yahoo! Profile:
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| My husband told me yesterday that people use me.....All because I can't say no to things, like the next door neighbour's bird, they need someone to take care of it cause they are going away for about 10 days..... Now we have 2 small dogs & 2 large cats, so I have to juggle that none of them go near him, we are also renovating under our home, so I will be panicing qabout him for 10days..... I can see his point, I am too much of a worrier to look after other people's things.....But how do you say no to people? Just about everyone we know has asked for assistance in one way or another, I on the other hand try never to ask anyone for help, hubby & I struggle thru cause I don't want to step on other people's toes etc... The same neighbour's went halves for a new fence on their side, I said I would pay for the 5 neighbour's shares & they could pay me back, the other 4 have, the next door neighbour's said when it was built (Aug last year) that they would pay me early this year???? Its getting near middle of the year, and no sign of my $670, they are good neighbours don't get me wrong, but why do I feel that by me always being nice people seem to take advantage of that trait in my nature?n |
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By: foden21
13/05/2008
10:44 am Yahoo! Profile:
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| send them an invoice for $670 for looking after their pet. If they can holiday for 10 days they can pay for the fence. |
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By: nessa_sarily_so
13/05/2008
10:50 am Yahoo! Profile:
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It takes practice. Start on something small. "No I can't take the bird" You don't need to give a reason.
The reason is you don't want to. Reason enough.
As for the money "we have some big bills coming in, I'll get that $670 back from you next week" Make sure you say when you are collecting it. If it comes to a fight - so be it, they had no problem with putting you out of pocket all this time. |
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By: pansi1951
13/05/2008
11:07 am Yahoo! Profile:
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I used to be like that. One trick I've learnt is to never answer straight away. If someone asks a favour, tell them you'll have to "think about it" or "sleep on that one". Look up some sites on "assertiveness" training.
Now I just say "would love so much to help you, but can hardly help myself". Don't worry, they always find someone else.
Same as people borrowing stuff, it usually come back broken, or not at all. Now I just say I have a no borrowing no lending policy.
Assertiveness takes practice, but it gets easier and it feels great when you don't fold.... |
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By: ice_magic59
13/05/2008
11:22 am Yahoo! Profile:
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| i have the same trouble!! but ya know how easy it is to say no!!! try it u will be suprised how u feel.......i did!!i felt like a A hole for a while but then i felt like i had just completed a climb up a huge hill lol deadset try it just once!! good luck babe and keep ya chin up ! |
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By: saos1n888
13/05/2008
11:42 am Yahoo! Profile:
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| Do you enjoy helping people though? also most people are not that bad Im sure if you asked someone gfor help yourself theyd be more than happy. |
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By: never_knew_that
13/05/2008
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| Yes I do enjoy helping people when I have the time, just got to learn to say sorry no when I just can't stretch that far though....... |
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By: outback_countrygal
13/05/2008
2:13 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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I have the same problem. Saying no for me is almost impossible and its only after that I sit and go... duh!
My best friend is my greatest weakness. She is struggling as a single mother and I cant help but say yes to her on every level. She is my heart and I hate to see her struggle with bills and so forth. Someone very wise though has told me I am not actually helping her but enabling her to be slack, so I am going to try really hard to back away and not be so forthcoming with help(money). I can see now that I was making it too easy for her to live beyond her means and by doing that I was part of her problem and not really helping her at all.
Anyway.. sorry to ramble on your thread. I hope you can find it in yourself to be strong enough to say no to the people who use you. :) |
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By: nessa_sarily_so
13/05/2008
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| Oh no outback - don't give her money! If she is need she will gladly accept the tin of coffee and carton of milk you bring over sometime or the hot chicken and loaf of bread you take over for lunch one day. |
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By: outback_countrygal
13/05/2008
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| I know Nessa. I have gone about helping her in the worse way... Not only for me but for her as well. Sighhh... What do you do though when your best friend has had her phone cut off and cant pay the rent? Especially when you know she has a child to care for??? It is hard to say no to that. I know I have to though. Just kills me that she cant make ends meet. |
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By: saos1n888
13/05/2008
2:28 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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By: outback_countrygal
14 minutes ago
Re:On the subject of being used (PREVIEW)
I have the same problem. Saying no for me is almost impossible and its only after that I sit and go... duh!
My best friend is my greatest weakness. She is struggling as a single mother and I cant help but say yes to her on every level. She is my heart and I hate to see her struggle with bills and so forth. Someone very wise though has told me I am not actually helping her but enabling her to be slack, so I am going to try really hard to back away and not be so forthcoming with help(money). I can see now that I was making it too easy for her to live beyond her means and by doing that I was part of her problem and not really helping her at all.
Anyway.. sorry to ramble on your thread. I hope you can find it in yourself to be strong enough to say no to the people who use you. :
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Outback: refer her onto MyBudget. My Budget is a group of financial advisors who help you pay your bills on time and give you sufficient funds to live off :)
Does she have a mobile? Does she drink alcohol? Does she have an internet service? Does she smoke? How much take away does he family eat?
ask all these questions and answer them honestly which you could and if they have any of these things then she is struggling due to not wanting to prioritise. |
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By: outback_countrygal
13/05/2008
2:32 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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| Thank you saos. I shall tell her to look into it. Not sure how that will go over though. I think her head is burried pretty deep in the sand at the moment. |
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By: saos1n888
13/05/2008
2:33 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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Outback... Is she staying in contact with her creditors though? Is she making realistic payment arrangements for herself?
Im a creditor for a phone company and whilst we will suspend your phone to local calls as long as you keep in contact and set up a realistic arrangement the company should be fine. Its when people lie about payments, situations & set up unrealistic payments is when they get cancelled.
I really suggest the best way to help her is to refer her onto MyBudget
www.mybudget.com.au/ |
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By: nessa_sarily_so
13/05/2008
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She can live without the phone. Really. Prepaid mobile if she desperately needs a phone for emergencys. Or as my neighbours do - run over and ask me to call the ambulance - its not like anyone would say no.
Maybe the best thing you could do would be sit down with her and get her onto a budget site. Its hard but it can be done, perhaps you could take her to the markets so she could do some food shopping or something like that.
We were talking to a woman a couple nights ago about the 2 'friends' she has bailed out (rent money) - and I mean like $8000 worth of bail outs! Those same people she helped are doing the same things to this very day and have never attempted to pay her back one cent. |
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By: outback_countrygal
13/05/2008
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| She is in a financial mess. I knew she was in trouble but until the other day I had no idea how deep that trouble went. I dont really want to say too much on here because I dont like invading her privacy but ... oh.. my..god! She is in deep do do with many and one of which is centrelink to a pretty hefty tune. I cant afford to help her with this one. I will tell her about mybudget and see if she will look into it. Fingers crossed that she will becasue I think it is past time for some sort of intervention. |
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By: saos1n888
13/05/2008
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| Thats actually a very good point nessa. Dont go to IGA & woolworths to shop.. I try go to farmers markets & asian grocers for my food.. Farmers markets are so cheap and so much better |
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By: nessa_sarily_so
13/05/2008
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| I think centrelink has a budget service? Not real sure. |
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By: saos1n888
13/05/2008
2:55 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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| If she doesnt accept it then wipe your hands clean of the situation because she would rather cause you the grief then help herself. |
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By: reidsays
13/05/2008
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| every person who has their phone cut off can still dial out for emergencies or take incoming calls.....when they lose the use of the phone due to not paying over time...then they can still dial out for OOO......has that stopped???? |
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By: juicyfruity666
13/05/2008
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Its getting near middle of the year, and no sign of my $670, they are good neighbours don't get me wrong
No they are NOT good neighbours...why say they are, they have no conscience! they owe you money and have not paid you...stop being a doormat and you will stop being treated like one |
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By: juicyfruity666
13/05/2008
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Its getting near middle of the year, and no sign of my $670, they are good neighbours don't get me wrong
No they are NOT good neighbours...why say they are, they have no conscience! they owe you money and have not paid you...stop being a doormat and you will stop being treated like one...your too nice |
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By: never_knew_that
14/05/2008
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| juicyfruity- what you say is correct, its just that I guess I feel we have to live here after ..... They aren't going anywhere & we certainly aren't either.....I am just growing to have to grow a backbone its clearly the only solution....Just p*i*sses me off that I don't exist this way, can't understand why other people see an inch & they take a mile! |
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By: lukey_088
14/05/2008
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By: pansi1951
Yesterday (11:07 am)
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Re:On the subject of being used Reply to this message
I used to be like that. One trick I've learnt is to never answer straight away. If someone asks a favour, tell them you'll have to "think about it" or "sleep on that one". Look up some sites on "assertiveness" training.
Now I just say "would love so much to help you, but can hardly help myself". Don't worry, they always find someone else.
Same as people borrowing stuff, it usually come back broken, or not at all. Now I just say I have a no borrowing no lending policy.
Assertiveness takes practice, but it gets easier and it feels great when you don't fold....
_____
great advice.
and to add on that
if you say yes and change your mind you look bad.
but if you say no & decide later on you want to do it, the person will be very pleased. |
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By: nessa_sarily_so
14/05/2008
9:26 am Yahoo! Profile:
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| If you don't stop the 'used' thing now - it gets to a stage where you really start to resent people. |
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By: never_knew_that
14/05/2008
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| I know guys everything you say is true...... don't get me wrong I am no goody 2 shoes or anything, but I am a great believer in honesty, calling a spade a spade & I don't like competiveness either, I am basiclly a person whom likes to just blend in not stand out in anyone's face about anything.... I have found over the years I have withdrawn from lots of friends because it feels lthough I am very easy to get along with, this gives lots of people the green light to treat me as if I am a push over, that really annoys me, I just want to mellow out & enjoy people's company not be a "what ever the Jones' have got I must get one better", I guess I might be the one that is hard to get along with maybe? |
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