By: rsmith111333
10/05/2008
12:04 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
50.
1 to change it and 49 to say it should of been me. |
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By: rsmith111333
10/05/2008
12:05 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to hold the bulb, while the world revolves around them |
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By: rsmith111333
10/05/2008
12:17 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that." |
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By: rsmith111333
10/05/2008
12:19 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that." |
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By: rsmith111333
10/05/2008
12:29 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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| A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents." |
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By: rsmith111333
10/05/2008
12:30 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch." |
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By: rsmith111333
10/05/2008
2:21 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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Wife isn't in the car
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!" |
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By: rsmith111333
10/05/2008
2:22 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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Celebrating an event
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago." |
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By: rsmith111333
10/05/2008
2:30 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the |
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By: rsmith111333
10/05/2008
2:32 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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Gathering chickens
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven |
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By: rsmith111333
10/05/2008
2:37 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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| farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder. |
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By: rsmith111333
10/05/2008
2:46 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"? |
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By: onethousandfold
10/05/2008
3:03 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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| good one smithy!!!:)) keep em cumin' |
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By: rsmith111333
10/05/2008
3:27 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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Question and answer
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller ?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!
What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.
Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow to pasture.
Q: Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.
Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.
Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
A: He has got no beef. |
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By: deemondo
10/05/2008
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| bloke goes into a public libary and asks the libirian for a book on how to committ suacide,, she says to him to feck off cause he wont return it |
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By: rsmith111333
10/05/2008
6:52 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie." |
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By: onethousandfold
10/05/2008
7:20 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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sometimes when you cry - no-one sees your tears
sometimes when you are worried - no-one sees your pain
sometimes when you are happy - no-one sees your smile
But just fart once........ |
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By: wearetwofatfarmers
10/05/2008
8:10 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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| thanks for the laughs smithy,,i really needed alaugh and you provided it,,thank you,, |
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By: rsmith111333
11/05/2008
5:34 am Yahoo! Profile:
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wearetwofatfarmers
I am glad it has brightened your day. Cheers to you to... |
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By: andthemagicbegins
11/05/2008
5:37 am Yahoo! Profile:
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Cos someone always smells your farts ;P
ha,ha,ha, classic! |
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By: rsmith111333
11/05/2008
12:20 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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I thought you maybe interested in this....
Actual School Excuses...(spelling mistakes the whole thing)
The following are real school excuses, explaining the reason behind the absence of students. Enjoy! :-)
12. Please excuse my son for being absent yesterday, because there is a river in our house.
11. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
10. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
9. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. He fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
8. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
6. Chris will not be in shcool cus he has an acre in his side.
5. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
4. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrheea and his boots leak.
3. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we fouind it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
2. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
and last but not least...
1. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot! |
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By: onethousandfold
11/05/2008
5:52 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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Actual School Excuses...(spelling mistakes the whole thing)
**
almost rolled on the floor at this one smithy - thanks heaps:))!!!! |
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By: sussco
12/05/2008
9:28 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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MORE FARMING:
A Mallee farmer got into his Ute, drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 opened the door.
'Is your Dad home?' the farmer asked.
'No sir, he isn't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your Mum here?'
'No sir, she isn't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
'He went with Mum and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do for you?' the boy asked politely. I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad?'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your elder brother Howard getting my daughter Kellie pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment.
'You'd have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded. 'If it's any help to you, I know that Dad charges $150 for the bull and $75 for the boar, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard.' |
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By: johnnyreble55
14/05/2008
1:11 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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| The dyslexic priest .. sat up all night pondering if DOG really does exist... |
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By: johnnyreble55
14/05/2008
1:13 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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| The dyslexic devil worshiper .. sold his sole to santa. |
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