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| My daughter used to be in pain when she was around 2 - 3. My son had an xray and the poo was up under his ribs on both sides. No complaints from him at all. I think they must get used to the pain or they think it's normal or everything is so stretched they just can't feel it any more. We have had a setback with both at exactly the same time when I started giving them Rye bread (didn't know it was part of the banned list) Also the night after the fructose drink both soiled. My son had diorrhea 8 times a day as a toddler which then became constipation in the last 3 years. Again apparently it's all up to what bacteria is in your gut. Was very frustrating at the time because we thought they both had different conditions. The paeds said that he would just grow out of it! I also have an Aunt and her daughter with bowel problems and my grandfather did too. Never saw any connection though as we were told he caught a bug "in the war" (though I now find out he had it before going to war) My aunt and daughter thought they were coeliacs. Don't think they were tested at first but now have tested negative. Also my son was wetting his pants all the time too. The doc said it was from the poo pressing on his bladder. Has your daughter had xrays? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Thanks again for the information. Just wondering if the soiling has stopped completely for your children? When they were constipated previously, were they in pain? In the almost 8 years of her life, not once has she complained of it being painful. She can be completely constipated and bloated and she has never said anything about it hurting. I do believe that diet plays a part in all of this too. The most difficult part of this however, is that I don't believe there is any one answer. My daughter was told by chiropracter that the nerves to her intestinal area were not being stimulated properly, so since seeing a chiropracter several times to rectify this, the soiling has decreased. My husband and I keep thinking that a large part of this is developmental and behavioral because she would just as soon keep playing than stop to go to the toilet. If she is in the playground, she thinks nothing of peeing her pants because she waits too long and doesn't want to stop playing. However, if a toilet is easily accessible, she will go to the toilet to pee on her own volition. As far as swimming goes, my daughter has always loved swimming, so I have just told her that she can not go in the pool without wearing a swim diaper. She puts a pair of shorts over top of her swim diaper so she can go in the pool. It's totally her choice. She knows that I'm not going to budge on allowing her to not wear a swim diaper, and it's far more important for her to go swimming than to be embarrassed by wearing a swim diaper. And for me.... having her wear a swim diaper is far less embarrasing than if she had an accident in the pool. If people judge it's because they don't have a clue and I try to educate them, rather than getting defensive with them. I just keep focusing on solutions that will help my daughter rather than focusing on what I have no control over. Thanks for posting your information. |
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| I think the worst part about this condition is the way other people react. "If it was my child they would get a flogging". "No, I don't have any wipes, my child is (pause) toilet trained" Even relatives just can't understand it (well I guess we long suffering mums can't either) "why don't you do something about it?" Obviously they don't realise that this consumes our whole day - worrying about what will happen at school, dance, sport etc. My kids haven't been in a pool for years. I wonder how their kids would react to that sort of predicament. I'm sure if it was a medical condition that wasn't to do with "poo" we would get much more support, the problem would be discussed more openly and maybe there would be money for research. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I've also seen on an American forum that producers there are putting High Fructose Corn Syrup in just about anything that needs sweetening. Apparently the Govt is artificially increasing cane sugar prices to help out their farmers so the producers get the Corn syrup much cheaper from developing countries. Both my children are/were completely healthy too. But they both have reacted in different ways over the years. Variously hiding, denying and even saying that the other child had put the poo into their undies! I've been told to smack, use sticker charts (think I should have shares in the company!) and bribes. Even when shown the bribe (toy or book) the kids still couldn't get the poo in the toilet. This proved to me that it couldn't be psychological (in my kids case) I also don't think if something (pain?) caused a child to have a phobia about the toilet when they were say a toddler it would still be going on when they're now 6 and 8. Plus why would both have the same phobia? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| A specialist said he would test for coeliac (just as an elimination thing) and when I researched what was involved with being a coeliac Fructose Malabsorption was mentioned (in the same breath so to speak) apparently a lot of people have both conditions. When I read that it can cause both diorrhea and constipation I just decided I would give the test a go. It involves drinking a man made sugar on the first day to give the lab a base line then the next day you drink a fructose drink. With each test you blow into a bag every half an hour and then a little bit of the "breath" is syringed out and the amount of hydrogen is measured in a machine (Normal tummys don't produce any hydrogen because the fructose (sugar) has already been absorbed. In Australia the tests only cost about $50 each. Presently I think it is only done in Melbourne and Adelaide but possible Perth soon. In America I believe it can be just done in a Doctors surgery. Oz is a bit behind! You can also be tested for lactose and glucose intolerance. Here is a list of the "safe" fruits. Only in small amounts (like amount of small orange) and separated by at least 2 hours. Banana, kiwi fruit, orange, berries eg strawbs, mulberries, blueberries, passionfruit, fresh pineapple,rhubarb, tomato avocado. As you can see it is extremely restrictive and I defintely would recommend being tested before doing the diet as it also includes so many other things like no artificial sweetenrs, inulin, onion in any form ie in soup packets, casserole mixes, you can't even have BBQ sauce as it has apple in it! And again no soft drink (except lucozade). I was really worried about my kids freaking but they now tell people what they can't eat and read the packets etc. They also think they're quite special at school because they have their own gluten free bread for sandwiches etc. Like I said before I'm not saying this IS the cause of your childs problem but imagine the relief if it is! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Thanks "ireadlabels". So whatever made you think that your children had Fructose Malabsorption? Did they have other symptoms beside constipation and encopresis? At this point, I would need to do more research on the condition before I started changing my daughter's diet. It would be more of a power struggle with my daughter than it has been to get her to sit on the toilet, if I insisted that she not eat the list that you posted. And I would definetely need to have a list of replaceable foods, particularly the fruits. Other than constipation and encopresis my daughter is completely and perfectly healthy. Some of the foods I do keep out of the house are crackers, particularly rice crackers, white flour products, and sweets (except for special occasions). Too much sugar for any of us is not a good thing. |
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| This is a basic list of which foods contain fructose/fructans: Honey, Apples, Pears, grapes, Mandarin, Peach, Mango, Watermelon, Honeydew Melon, Lychee, Star fruit, Nashi, Coconut Cream/Milk, Tinned fruit in Natural Juice (pear juice) fructose or corn syrup, Fruit juice (even need to limit "safe" fruits to 1/3 cup juice) dried fruit. Wheat (in large amounts ie crumbs ok) Rye, Onion - brown, white, red, spring, shallots, leeks, artichokes, zucchini, chicory, inulin (added to products eg dairy foods) stone fruits, also foods that contain "Raffinose" (which can't be tested for malabsorption yet) cabbage, brussel sprouts, green beans, asparagus, legumes eg chickpeas, lentils, red kidney beans, cannelini, baked beans. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Hi soxy, I've read some more of your posts and wanted to let you know that my daughter did the same thing with only soiling if she had knickers on. I think it was some sort of coping mechanism for her. Maybe they just associate the toilet with so much grief that it just seems safer for it to be in their pants. She also used to "hide" when she was having an accident - as in when it was actually coming out. I would be totally perplexed as to why she would know to hide but not to go to the toilet! But now with the diet change she keeps saying that she can "feel" it before she needs to go. Can you tell me what things you have found increase the constipation for your daughter? Maybe there is a common thread between them. As per my id, I am now a "labelreader". Fructose appears in the strangest places! It is now being added to yoghurt and vanilla essence. Also one of the worst offenders is the humble apple! Manufacturers put apple paste/puree in muesli bars, yoghurt, cereal and others and tinned fruit in "natural juice" is actually in pear juice (pears are another culprit). Every specialist we went to would be sooo condescending with their "and what's their diet like?" as if they had already decided it was all my fault and obviously my kids lived on chips and coke. I would say that my daughter had 1/2 packet of dried apricots and 10 prunes a day plus soups full of multiple tins of beans, lentils and veges and as much fresh fruit as I could get into her. Now wouldn't you think that this sort of diet with an outcome of constipation would trigger something somewhere in at least one of them? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Thanks "ireadlabels" for your message. I'm beginning to come to terms with the truth that the cause of encopresis is very different for each child. The soiling is definetely the common denominator but the cause really varies. I too have discovered many causes of my daugher's(by myself). We want so much to think the professionals have the exact answer, but they don't. I have discovered that certain foods do increase the constipation for my daughter so I just don't have them in the house.....out of sight, out of mind. I'm convinced that for my daughter the problem is physical, behavioral, emotional, and psychological. There's no one answer. Each day is different, depending what is going on. And I will never know exacgtly why the encopresis happens. I have started asking others for support and "normalizing" my daughter's encopresis as much as possible. If she had diabetes (and I'm very grateful that she doesn't) and I had to ask someone to help me give her insulin, it would be OK. So when she goes somewhere without me I just ask other parents (who I know) for their support. So far, I have had total understanding. When I explain that it is a physical problem (and I believe that 85% of it is), most people that I know are very understanding and want to help as much as they can. I keep reminding myself that I need to support and continue cleaning my daugher's dirty pants for as long as it takes....cause there's a high likelyhood that when I'm old, she's going to be cleaning mine..and I would hope that she treat me with respect and dignity. I believe with all my heart that she's going to treat me the exact same way I have treated her. I really appreciate having this message board as I enjoy writing and it has helped me to deal with my frustrations and fears. I want to thank everyone for "listening" and for your responses. Although I put out questions, I don't necessarily need responses, just a place to share with others who really do understand ... |
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| Both my children (nearly 9 and 7) have always had encopresis. We have tried numerous types of laxatives - which did work to some extent however I couldn't understand WHY they had the problem when they had an excellent diet. The more prunes, All-bran, fresh fruit, beans, lentils etc they had the worse they were! Finally I discovered (by myself) a condition called Fructose Malabsorption. This causes either diorrhea or consitipation depending on what bacteria you have in your bowel. As the fructose (which is in fruits, onion, wheat, rye, legumes) isn't absorbed in sufferers stomachs, the sugar continues on into the bowel where the bacteria (which is completely normal and everyone has) feeds on the sugar. I had to fly my children to Melbourne, Aus from the NT to have a Hydrogen Breath Test done at Box Hill hosp. They both tested positive and since going on the diet have not needed ANY laxatives! My doctor told me there was no way that Fructose Malabsorption caused constipation so beware of being put off by "professionals". We had seen multiple paediatricians and gastro specialists and not one came up this this as being the cause. They only ever had treatments, never a reason why. Obviously this may not be the cause of your childs encopresis but please consider it as a possibility. From my research I have found that 30% of the population suffers from Fructose Malabsorption to varying degrees so there is every chance that your child could have it. To see the entire list of foods that contain fructose please research "FODMAPS". The list is long and means a complete change in eating habits - including changing to gluten free breads, cakes and biscuits etc but the long term happiness of your child is worth it! Also no lollies or soft drink as the sucrose causes even more fructose to be released! Hope this helps a child somewhere. Please hug your child. Imagine if you have been disciplining your child and making them clean up the mess and it turns out it was a dietry thing. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Hi Everyone, It's so great to see that some of you are having great success with your children, we too have been having fantastic results. Acording to the 'star chart' my 'almost 8' year old has been going to the toilet consistently for over 8 weeks! such a relief to be getting somewhere after all this time! I must not be complacent is my new mantra however, I don't want to think he is 'cured' too early. It's a long road ahead. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| That' great!!, "ariellikewoahx3duh".... obviously you have been very committed to change. You must feel great! My question for you is...when you soiled, were you aware of it?, did you not know you soiled?, or knew it and didn't want to deal with it? or were you too embarrassed to deal with it? Was it beyond your control? Could you have stopped soiling any earlier than you did if you wanted to? Did it give pleasure in any way and didn't want to admit it? Was this a way of control over others for you? What would have helped you earlier to stop your behaviour, if anything? or do you believe that you weren't ready to change until you were 13? I know in one of your previous emails you suggested not to check for accidents or punish the child. I agree with that, and of course is much easier said than done. For me, I think my anger and frustration is a coverup of fear and embarrassment. (not to mention that cleaning up the poop is disgusting as well). I also feel like I have failed as a parent in some way. Do you believe that a child who has encopresis should be allowed to do whatever she/he wants? and go wherever she/he wants? do you believe that natural consequences are the best way to learn? or would you suggest parents put limits and rules in place to protect the child from embarrassment? or is it finding a balance between teaching the child and letting him/her learn through natural consequenes? Did anyone else, besides your parents know of your encopresis? Was there anyone who was understanding and supportive of you between ages 5-13 yr? Did it make a difference when someone besides your parents tried helping you? Just interested in your point of view. I have so many questions running through my head. I'm trying to make some sense over something that probably can't be made sense of. thanks for sharing. |
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| well, it's been a while since i've posted. so far it's been good. it's been, like, 4 months since i've soiled, a wayyy brand new record for me. i'm glad, but not glad that a lot of other children are going through this too. do you know what i mean.? it feels weird that i'm 13 and most of the postings on here are about 5-7 year olds. i really do hope that my postings help you a bit. & i also hope that your children won't be going through this at age 13. haha anyways; need anything like help to how to deal with the kids. i've been going through this since about age 5 and now i'm almost 14. my opinions and personality may be different, but i'm pretty sure that we all react the same way. disappointment in one's self. embarrassment for the smell. anxiousness. well, email me if you need anything. i hope no one i know finds this.! ha. |
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| con't ....so that tells me I'm probably part of the equation too...much to my dismay. Keep us posted! It helps tremendously to know that I'm not alone and that I can vent to someone else who undestands. Bye for now. |
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| Naring3303....the million dollar question remains unsolved. I can feel your uncertainty around wondering what to do and fear around wondering what may happen when your son steps onto the film stage.?? It's very difficult. It's those type of situations that are definetly the hardest to deal with. My daughter is also in dance and drama, however has not been offered the same opportunities as your son. Yet, as she gets older and is more involved with others and less with me, it's very difficult to deal with my own anxiety around what may happen. I appreciate your comment "...But we are still waiting for that, we have made improvements over the years - but it is the permanency that we yearn for..." My daughter, too, has made much improvement over the past few years, with having one accident per week, and the next having 2-3 accidents/day for 7 days in a row. When she's at home, each time my daughter has a bowel movement on the toilet, I ask her if she felt it before hand. Typically, she says "No, it just came out". Fortunately she happened to be sitting on the toilet, however, when she's playing, the stool ends up in her pants. In those moments, I realise that she is often unaware. Is it physiological, psychological, behavioural, habit? Who knows?? Will we ever know for sure? Probably Not!! Lately, I've been asking myself the question..."What is the very worst thing that will happen if I allow my daughter to (whatever).. and she has an accident?" I've often just come out and told others what sometimes happens (explaining to them that it's a medical condition) and have asked for their support by simply promting my daughter to go to the toilet (even if I don't know them all that well), particularly if I'm not going to be there. When I prompt my daughter to use the toilet, there is often a power struggle, but when someone else prompts her to use the toilet, there is never a power struggle..... |
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| soxsoxy, I agree - it sounds simple enough "give them a really big incentive" and they will do everything they can to stop having accidents. Or so we think!!! I also thought the older my son got the more "aware" he would be that other children will notice (the smell), and the more motivated he would be to change. But we are still waiting for that, we have made improvements over the years - but it is the permanency that we yearn for.... He has come a long way (3 "messsy" accidents a day to at best one small accident every three days) but then we have been dealing with this for nearly 7 years. Every so often we think we are nearly there and then ... I am venting a little now as we have just been through a "bad cycle - accident ever day - very smelly and not getting changed" - and in just a week he is to participate in the biggest incentive possible. My son is quite the performer. He participates in dance, drama, choir and even musical theatre (think about concerts, costumes and encopresis!!)In fact I dont know how we have managed to keep the encopresis under wrap He has also been asked to model - both the catwalk and in print (more worry). His encopresis took hold many years before he began performing (so performing does not result in accidents), he does not lack confidence when performing (i have lost count no of times he has been on stage)he is not "pushed" to perform (it would be easier for us if he didnt - we both work and have other children to run about). But "rationise this" next week he will have his first experience on a film set, he is so excited about being involved in a real movie. And yet the week before, he allows the encopresis to take charge again. Every month or two we do have a "bad week" where after making two steps forward we must take one back. So where does that leave us....do we stop him? will we have to hover on set? make him take "the bag" where ever he is, remind him every break to "go" If this cant motivate, nothing will!!!!! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| OUR SON IS DOING SO MUCH BETTER!! He is almost 5 and has been having this problem for 2 years. He has been on miralax for a year and goes all day long and it is a messy mess. 2 weeks ago i took him to a natural dr. she took him off miralax and put him on some natural supplements and i can't believe the difference. I would be happy to talk to anyone more about it if they are interested. He is going everday. he has made it to the potty twice and has went 3x while having his sit time. This is a child that did not go on the potty at all. He has made such a dramatic change in 2 weeks. There is more you can be doing for your kids than just those laxatives to treat the problem... i am so excited for him... he is happier and is sleeping better also. we just put his supplements in a fruit smoothie each day and he loves the smoothie and you can't taste the stuff in it. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Thanks rodney261067. Your suggestion is a good one...in theory. Based on my experience, however, with attempting every incentive program I can think of over the past 4 years...it's highly unlikely it wouldn't work either. I do believe you're right about my daughter's behavior being somewhat of a habit and having a mental block with wearing underwear. Up to this point in her life, she has had no incentive big enough for her to consistently use the toilet. After a while she wouldn't care if she soiled her "pretty panties" because in the moment she wouldn't want to stop doing what she was doing to go to the toilet. I do believe that there is physicological piece to her encopresis as she has low motility in her bowels and is very prone to constipation. As well, I've recently taken her to a Chiropracter and overall, the soiling has decreased. (not stopped completely, but it has lessened). According to the Chiropracter, my daughter's nerves to her intestinal area are not being stimulated properly and she's not receiving the signals she needs to go to the toilet. However, I believe there is a psychological/behavioral piece as well. I'm starting to resort to the fact that it is my reaction to the encopresis that I need to put more effort into. By letting go of or at least decreasing the anxiety this whole thing is causing me, I will better off. And accept the fact that I will continue to need to clean up my daughter's dirty underpants for as long as it takes. That doesn't mean I give up....as there are things I can do to support her...but mostly there is a lot I can't do. Perhaps the incentive for her to change her behavior is outside my realm of thinking and will simply be part of her life's learning....much to my fear and dismay. Thanks for your support and to all others as well who post on this message board. I continue to look forward to conversing with all. |
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| Hi Soxsoxy It sounds like habit. If your 8yr can go to the toilet when bare bum with no pain then the mechanics should be ok. Sounds like (Stab in the dark, cause I'm not a doc) a mental block with wearing underwear etc. Can I suggest (Again a stab in the dark) perhaps a special shopping day, just you and her, where she can choose some "special" undies, perhaps make it clear that these are not to be soiled in, so she can only wear them for half an hour or so, take them off and then be bear bum around the house until she needs to do a poo, go to the toilet and then wear them again. Over a period of time, lengthen the time she wears them and shorten the time between when she takes them off and when she has a poo. eventually getting to the toilet when she needs to do a poo and removing them there etc. Sounds good in theory I know, I am just trying to come up with ideas to help. |
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| have the spine checked well as in certain areas, where nerve damage could be, near the spine, not sure where but it can actually cause constipation | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| have you tried herbal fiberblend? you can buy on the net. and high dose accidophillus, most bowel probs start from bacterial problems in first place, mine and my 7yr old started from heliobacter pyhori, everyone should be tested for it, sorry could not spell it | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| i know this an old ad, but it sounds interesting that more than one child has this problem, well i don't think its cause by fear of going to toilet, because my 7yr old son and i myself have it too, i'm 44, the rest of my family have it too, even my grand father had it, and he was a doctor, i really think its caused by something else | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Thanks again for your input and sharing. The suggestions about encouraging and building self esteem makes complete sense. Your suggestion not to focus on the encopresis is easier said that done. What is your suggesion for dealing with poop accidents at school, birthday parties, at the park, playing with friends, and accidents overall when she doesn't acknowledge that she has soiled herself and pretends that nothing is wrong. Allow her to learn through natural consequences? I don't know how to get over the embarassement I feel when that happens. Your are right, my daughter is very strong willed! It is difficult for me and my husband to understand her behavior because when she is at home and is allowed to run around with no pants on (bare bum) she goes to the toilet on her own to have a bowel movement (obviously feels the urge). (The stool doesn't hit the floor). However, as soon as she has pants on (anything touching her bum), she soils herself. Obviously she has pants on when she's in public,(hence she soils) but I believe with all my heart that if she was allowed to go out in public with a bare bum, she wouldn't soil. I have inquired with her about the pain and she reassures me it doesn't hurt. She has been on stool softeners and natural laxitives for 4 years. I do not work outside the home and am home with my children (my second daughter is 5 yr and does not have encopresis) much more than my husband who is away from home working up to 10 hours/day, therefore doesn't clean up the accidents as much as I do. When he does spend time with his children on evenings and weekends he is an excellent parent and interacts positively with them. At the same time his way of dealing with our oldest daughter's encopresis is much more laisez faire, which probably isn't a bad thing, but most of the time he doesn't even realize she's soiled herself or chooses not to do anything about it. His belief is that she will eventually outgrow it. I just hope he's right. |
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| I also still feel that the fears that I had associated with the pain etc was the biggest hurdle that I just could not get past. The thought of taking laxitives was as scary as someone sticking a knife in me. I had no knowledge of the different kinds of laxitives etc. I just thought that they forced my bowels to contract etc. Get the urge. This was painful. I now know that there are softeners as well as purgitives, perhaps if this had been explained to me as a child, I could have tried. Kids are intelligent, they want information. Perhaps educating them about softeners could be a plus. Also for me, this was a dirty little secret that was not talked about within the family. Everyone knew about it, but said nothing. I was the family embaressment. Terrible for my self confidence, I probably would have benefitted from support and encouragement from other meaningful family members. Uncles, aunts, grandparents etc. There was also another dirty little secret at the time. My father was sexually abusing me. I have had many years of counselling for this and I initially thought that my encopresis was a self defence mechanism against this. I now believe that these are 2 separate issues. The encopresis started first and the abuse was later. Perhaps the effects of the abuse prolonged my recovery from encopresis until I was 17, but I don't think one was the cause of the other. Although 2 separate issues, my family situation was pretty disfunctional to say the least. This disfunctional family environment was probably disabling any progress with the encopresis. My 2 hopes in life are that no child ever suffer from abuse of any kind or suffer from encopresis. |
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| Hi Soxsoxy I guess what I am trying to say is that the child will have dreams and fantasies of fun things to do etc just like any child does. If you can tap into some of these and let the child explore them (within reality of course), then perhaps some of these activities may become more important. Then the child may be more inclined to get the drive to fix the problem. For an 8yr girl I would imagine dancing or little athletics or something. I have a 2yr Girl and am not quite up to what 8yr are into yet. I would imagine that your child is pretty stubborn after 4 years. I remember back to that age and there was no way I would let anybody else make decisions for me etc. But on the flipside I was also very self conscious and scared of making the wrong decisions. This is where support from the parents comes in. Perhaps try to build the childs self confidence in other areas and let them make a few mistakes along the way. Normal stuff for any child, but rather than perhaps the parent saving them from the mistakes, the child will need to take responsibilty and come up with solutions. Again normal self confidence building, but using other normal (if there is such a thing) means, rather than focusing on the encopresis. Along the way (Very soflty softly) you may need to assure the child that they are on the right track. They will then see & feel the rewards as they happen (You may need to point them out) and that they made them happen by the power of their own decisions. Small stuff first and move up. Goal setting is good, but the basic lessons need to be learnt first. This is why I don't think star charts and the like don't tend to work. You need to be very careful not to bribe your child. What is the father's role here? This is very important. If the father is in the background and is not helping, (mine was like that) then perhaps they can be encouraged to help with the self confidence building that I have mentioned above. |
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